episode transcript by Sarah Spearey
The Dock: Night
(A man wearing a rubber face mask watches a sailor in dress uniform exit a ship. He follows the officer, staying hidden behind a row of barrels. The man grabs the officer from behind. A women in a car watches.)
Helen: Oh, my God. (She starts the car and drives away. The man watches.)
The Docks: Day
(The coronerÕs are lifting the officerÕs body into the back of the van when Hutch comes up.)
Hutch: Hold on a second, huh? (Takes a look at the face.) Thanks. (He meets Starsky)
Starsky: HowÕs it look?
Hutch: Pretty messy.
Starsky: According to the ID found on his body his nameÕs Eric Snow. He was a purser on that ship over there.
Hutch: We may have a witness here. (Approaches the witness.) Mr. Harry Percival.
Harry: Lord Harry, please, officer, of Lord HarryÕs World Famous Tattoo Parlour Deluxe just down the pier. Perhaps youÕve heard of me.
Hutch: Nope.
Starsky: Nope, sorry. WhatÕd you see?
Harry: Well, uh, as I told that officer over there, very little, if anything, IÕm afraid. You see, I was tattooing a Liberty Bell on a young ladyÕs derriereÉher salute to the American free enterprise, I believe, when screeching tires frightened my kitty, Sir Winston. By the time I got to the door, I caught the barest glimpse of a woman driving off in a green sports car.
Hutch: Can you describe her?
Harry: Mm, young, blond and pretty. (Laughs) Have I told you about my special for this week? Purchase a tattoo of the black widow spider and I throw in, at no additional cost, a lovely red heart bearing the inscriptions, ŌBorn to make whoopee.Ķ (Laughs) HowÕs that?
Starsky: Nah, itÕs too common. EverybodyÕs got hearts and spiders.
On a Ship: Day
Starsky: DoesnÕt seem to be anybody on board.
Hutch: Well, theyÕre probably all below decks. Ahoy there! Anybody on board!
Starsky: Ahoy there? (The climb down to the lower deck.)
Hutch: Oh, Starsky, isnÕt this great?
Starsky: What?
Hutch: Oh, the feel of the sea under your feet and that fresh ocean spray in your face.
Starsky: Hutch, weÕre tied up next to the dock, nothingÕs moving under our feet and itÕs a clear day.
Hutch: Ahoy there! You know what one of your problems is? You got no romanticism about the sea.
Starsky: Is that a fact?
Hutch: ThatÕs right. (Go down another set of stairs.) You know, IÕve been in love with the sea and with the ships ever since I was old enough to read. I was a Sea Scout when I was a kid.
Starsky: Hutch, you were born in Duluth, Minnesota. ItÕs 1000 miles from any ocean.
Hutch: ItÕs 1500 miles.
Starsky: Then how did you become a Sea Scout?
Hutch: It wasnÕt easy.
(A man jumps from a higher deck and knocks them both to the ground. He gets up and throws Starsky into the rail and tries to throw him overboard, but Hutch jumps on his back and Starsky clings on. Hutch punches, but the man backs off and tackles Hutch against the rail. Hutch wraps his legs around the man and they struggle. Starsky uses a chain to climb above the man and wrap his legs around his throat. Hutch draws his gun.)
Hutch: Police!
Oxey: Me too! (He shows his badge.)
Hutch: Put me down.
Starsky: Put him down.
Oxey: Well, let me go.
Hutch: Let him go.
Starsky: Oh. (They all let go and drop down to the deck.) What did you jump us for?
Oxey: I thought you were the guys that jumped me.
Starsky: What?
Hutch: What are you talking about?
Oxey: This tubÕs sailing in the morning. I came on board to get the gear of the shipÕs officer who was killed last night.
Starsky: Eric Snow.
Oxey: Yeah, thatÕs right.
Starsky: So?
Oxey: Well, I was walking on deck when someone jumped me, clobbered me. When I came to, gear was gone. The next thing I know you two guys were talking around on deck.
Starsky: Look, whatÕs your name?
Oxey: Oxey
Starsky: Oxey.
Hutch: Oxey.
Starsky: Oxey, when you were going through Eric SnowÕs gear, you find anything unusual? You know, something someone might have wanted bad enough to, you knowÉ
Oxey: No.
Starsky: Nothing?
Oxey: Well, I wasnÕt looking for nothing.
Starsky: Oh.
Oxey: Mostly clothes, shaving stuff, a few kinky books. Nothing that nobodyÕs gonna get killed over.
Hutch: Look, Oxey, is there anybody around here we can get some real information from? Some background on Eric Snow?
Oxey: With all thatÕs gone down so far, I think you guys better talk to the commodore himself.
Starsky: The Commodore?
Hutch: Commodore.
Oxey: Yeah. Commodore.
Atwater Steamship Company: Day
Commodore: Time was, I knew every man jack aboard her. Now I donÕt know one-tenth of the men on my own ships. (Groans and wheels himself over to his desk.) Not like the old days. (StarskyÕs looking through a telescope.) Those were the good old days. Those were the grand times. (Reaches his desk) Now, Mr. Eric Snow. He was a troublesome young man. And you wanted to see the record, the file on him?
Hutch: Yeah. (Takes the record.)
Starsky: Snow wasnÕt exactly one of your favourites, huh?
Commodore: I donÕt know whom I despised more. Mr. Eric Snow for being what he was or myself for keeping him in employ. Mr. Eric Snow. He was an arrogant cheat and a liar. But he did have one great asset. He could keep the Amapola well-booked with plump passengers.
Hutch: Excuse me, Commodore, uh, there doesnÕt seem to be a local address on Mr. Snow here.
Commodore: No? Well, there should be. This was his home port. (Looks at the file.) Oh yes. I told you that Mr. Snow had one great asset. Women. Oh yes, women, women. They were this long suit. Probably some women ashore was why he didnÕt feel a need of having a local address of his own.
Hutch: Commodore, there was a witness who saw a young woman leaving the scene of Mr. SnowÕs murder. She was in her mid-20Õs, blond. Does that ring a bell?
Commodore: Yes. Oh, yes, there was one such, yes. Yes. (Looks at the file again.) Oh yes, she booked travel agencies, you know. Mostly young peopleÕs groups. What you call swinging singles. (Laughs) Yes, here she is. Moss. An October Moss. Oh, now, she seems to have had a change of address.
October MossÕ Apartment: Day
(The Torino pulls up outside and they walk towards the building.)
Starsky: October Moss. Any relation of April Showers?
Hutch: No. December Bride.
(Hutch knocks on number 14. Inside the woman from the murder scene is stretching on the carpet.)
Just a minute. (Puts on her shoes and opens the door a little) Yes?
Hutch: IÕm Detective Hutchinson. This is Detective Starsky. Are you October Moss?
Helen: No, IÕm OctoberÕs roommate, Helen Carnahan. OctoberÕs in the bath.
Starsky: We donÕt have to talk to her in there. The living room will be fine.
Helen: Come in. (Opens the door so they can enter)
Hutch: Thank you.
Helen: WeÕve never had a visit from the police before. Can you tell me what itÕs about?
Starsky: Would you tell Miss Moss weÕre here?
Helen: October: (Goes into the bathroom)
October: Yeah? (Comes out wearing a yellow top) Hey, listen, it itÕs about that traffic ticket, IÕm not guilty. But I sure wouldnÕt mind being arrested by one of you two officers.
Hutch: Well, thank you very much, but thatÕs not why weÕre here. ItÕs about a friend of yours, Eric Snow.
October: Eric?
Starsky: He was murdered last night.
October: Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Hutch: Would you like to sit down? (She sits down.)
Starsky: We understand you and Eric were quite close.
October: Eric and I broke up a couple of weeks ago. I guess I knew it could never last. He, uh, he could be such a violent man at times. He, umÉ(Starts sobbing) ThatÕs why I moved in with Helen here. I donÕt knowÉ
Hutch: Miss Moss. IÕm sorry to have to ask you this question at a time like this. But there was a woman matching your general description who left the scene of the crime last night.
Helen: Her general description. A lot of girls fit that. I fit that description.
Hutch: Yeah. Where were you about 10:00 last night?
October: I guess from about 8 till midnight, I was with the Bayside Singles Club. I was booking aboutÉabout 20 of their members on aÉon a cruise thatÉon EricÕs cruise. Acapulco.
Helen: If thereÕs nothing else.
Starsky: Thank you Miss Moss. (They head for the door.) Oh, there is one other thing. Excuse me. Where were you last night?
Helen: Are you kidding?
Starsky: No.
Hutch: You said yourself that you match the general description.
Helen: I didnÕt even know Eric Snow. But if itÕs that important I was here last night. I watched some TV, read and went to bed.
Hutch: Alone?
Helen: ThatÕs none of your business. (Pause) Alone.
Hutch: Thank you.
Starsky: Thank you. (They leave)
Magic Shop: Day
(Starsky and Hutch enter the shop where Huggy is behind the counter swirling rings around his head.)
Huggy: The mystifying rings. (He clangs them together and pulls them apart, but some fall to the floor.)
Starsky: You forgot to say Ôshazam,Õ Hug.
Huggy: Them rings are kid stuff. Great escapes is where IÕm at. (Picks up a straight jacket.) Help me into this and I will show you Huggy, the Houdini with soul.
Hutch: Huggy, you said on the phone you had some information for us about Eric Snow.
Huggy: Well, it seems heÕs a small-time coke dealer with a very big mouth. (Starts getting into the jacket with HutchÕs help.)
Hutch: Cocaine, huh?
Starsky: Mm-hm.
Huggy: Mm-hm.
Hutch: That would explain what his killer was after. (Starsky helps)
Huggy: Got to put it on tight because this wonÕt hold me long. My cousin, Marco the Magnificent, taught me this trick. IÕm looking after his establishment while he goes to court.
Hutch: Oh, yeah?
Huggy: Mm-hm.
Hutch: WhatÕs he doing there?
Huggy: Oh, nothing much. Seems he was demonstrating his famous guillotine trick and cut off some dudes finger. But when it comes to escapes heÕs perfect. You guys ready?
Starsky: In second. Anything else on Snow?
Huggy: HeÕs been bragging lately about what a big deal heÕs gonna be after his next voyage to Mexico.
Hutch: His next voyage? You sure you donÕt mean his last trip?
Huggy: Next. Capitol N-E-X-T. More. Are you ready?
Starsky: Hold on. Hold on. We almost got you.
Huggy: Because when you see this, it will not hold me long. Come on, stand back.
Starsky: Take it, Hug. (Stands back.)
Huggy: Stand back. And IÕll be out of this before you can say ÔAbracadabra, hocus pocus, dominicus.Õ (Struggles with the jacket with no success. Goes down on his knees) IÕm getting it. You will be amazed.
Hutch: Starsky, that doesnÕt make any sense. I mean, if Snow wasnÕt gonna score until his next voyage, what was his killer looking for?
Starsky: You got me. (Huggy continues struggling)
Hutch: LetÕs get out of here, huh?
Starsky: Yeah. (They leave)
Huggy: ItÕs all in muscle control and timing. (Lies on the floor and struggles some more) Starsky, whatÕd you do to these things? Hutch! Starsky! Shazam! Shazam!
October MossÕ Apartment: Day
(October enters with groceries)
October: Helen. Helen. Are you in that bathroom again? YouÕre gonna turn into a prune. Come on out and look what I bought us to eat. ItÕs terrific.
(She puts the groceries on the kitchen counter and looks around. The French doors are open. She walks over to them and the man in the mask enters holding a knife. October screams. Helen comes out of the bathroom)
Helen: October? WhatÕs going on out here? You all right? (Enters the living room. She sees October lying on the floor) October? Oh God.
(Later on the coroner take the body away. Starsky and Hutch are there look at the open French windows. Helen is sat at the breakfast bar.)
Hutch: Miss Carnahan.
Helen You were here beforeÉsergeant...
Hutch: Hutchinson. Ken Hutchinson.
Helen: OctoberÕs dead.
Hutch: Miss Carnahan, did you see anything? Anybody?
Helen: That poor girl is dead. What more do you want me to see? SheÕs dead. Why did it have to happen to her? Why?
Hutch: We donÕt know that yet, Miss Carnahan. Apparently whoever killed October was looking for something.
Helen: WhatÕs that supposed to mean? I donÕt know what youÕre talking about. (Walks off. Starsky comes over.)
Starsky: SheÕs pretty upset.
Hutch: Yeah, I guess so. What did the doc have to say?
Starsky: Nothing much. Except that heÕs pretty sure itÕs the same guy that did Snow.
Hutch: LetÕs get out of here, huh?
Starsky: Yeah.
DobeyÕs Office: Night.
(DobeyÕs sat behind his desk.)
Dobey: What do you mean impound the ship? YouÕre not talking about a pickup truck. ThatÕs over 20Õ000 tons of ocean going steel.
Hutch: Captain, Eric Snow has been busted three times for possession of cocaine.
Dobey: Never convicted.
Starsky: Come on, cap. Once for possession, maybe, but three times, whether those cases were kicked out or not is a pretty big positive.
Dobey: You really think heÕs got something stashed aboard?
Hutch: Two people have been murdered, captain. Their killer was after something.
Dobey: But you said your informant told you that he wasnÕt gonna make his big score until his next voyage.
Hutch: Captain, we never said this case made any sense. But everything weÕve got so far leads back to that ship. Now, whether thatÕs a bundle of money or a stash of cocaine, at least itÕs a place to start.
Dobey: Yeah, heard that. All right. But I still donÕt think I can get that ship impounded. However, I will speak to the port authority to see if I can get a search party aboard. In the meantime, I donÕt want you two on any other case. I gotta figure out something to tell the mayor and the chief why I held up the sailing of a multimillion dollar ship. (Starsky and Hutch leave) Fruit flies.
Magic Shop: Day
(Huggy waves a wand over a pack of cards and they shoot out, hitting Starsky in the stomach.)
Hutch: Oh, thatÕs terrific, Hug.
Huggy: Well, it takes time to perfect the magical arts. But the results are worth it.
Starsky: I certainly hope so.
Huggy: Well, take a look at this tube, Starsky. (Starsky takes the tube.) As you can see, itÕs empty.
Starsky: You said you had something for us, Hug.
Huggy: Well, right after we discussed the late Eric Snow, I came across some information about his ship, the Amapola.
Hutch: The Amapola.
Huggy: The Amapola. In connection with another dude, Patsy Cairo, whoÕs the syndicateÕs top man in its West Coast operation. Well, he and his old lady, my sources say, are sailing today using the name of Clark, Mr. and Mrs. Clark.
Hutch: Clark.
Huggy: Pick a card.
Starsky: Cairo always does business from inside the family compound. Now, what would be big enough to bring him to the outside? (Takes a card.)
Huggy: I donÕt know, but from what you said, itÕs already killed two people.
Starsky: Maybe heÕs on vacation.
Huggy: Well, all I know is CairoÕs younger brother, Nicky, whoÕs one mean cat, and his brotherÕs bodyguard told his travel plans to a foxy chick who whispers in my ear so I know my tip is hip. (Starsky checks his card; 7 of spades.) Your card is the jack of diamonds.
Starsky: Seven of spades.
Hutch: Thanks a lot, Hug. Oh, by the way, IÕm glad to see you got out of that straight jacket. We were afraid we were gonna have to call the fire rescue squad.
Huggy: Hey, thereÕs no bounds made that can hold Huggerino the Supremo. (Starsky and Hutch leave. He jumps around the counter with the jacket tied around his legs.)
Atwater Steamship Company: Day
Commodore: No, I donÕt like it. Putting men aboard my ships as undercover agents. Goes against my grain. (Starsky, Hutch and Dobey are in his officer.) Pah. Just what is it you hope to accomplish by all this?
Dobey: Commodore, we want the murderers of Eric Snow and October Moss. Also, Patsy Cairo.
Starsky: Commodore, Patsy CairoÕs a man whoÕs hurt a lot of people. And now, for the first time in years, we think he might be coming out in the open. Seem Commodore, we think that we might have lucked onto the tip of an iceberg. A narcotics buy so big that the kingpin himself has to come out to make the deal. And if we can be there, we can get a shot at nailing him.
Commodore: All this is opinion, theory. Suppose I do put you aboard one of my shops in Mexico and you come back to home port empty-handed? What then?
Hutch: Well, at least weÕll come back with terrific tans.
Starsky: And pottery.
Commodore: Pottery?
Starsky: Yeah, IÕm thinking of starting a hand painted collection of pottery. (Commodore laughs and Starsky smiles.)
Commodore: Captain Dobey, I like your men here. What you call Ōpicturesque.Ķ Well, all right, IÕll go along with you. But you must tell Captain LaRue. He must be in on your shenanigans.
Dobey: Commodore Atwater. (Stands up) Thanks a lot. We really appreciate it. (Shakes hands with the Commodore.)
Commodore: Captain Dobey.
Starsky: Now all we gotta think of is what kind of cover to use.
Hutch: I got it.
The Amapola: Day
(ThereÕs a sign on board advertising ŌHack and Zack: Songs and Laffs.Ķ Starsky and Hutch are meeting people as they board.)
Hutch: Welcome. Hack and Zack.
Starsky: Welcome to our show.
Hutch: Hack and Zack.
Starsky: Welcome aboard the Amapola. (Hands out leaflets.)
Hutch: Welcome aboard. Names Hack and Zack. Welcome aboard. Bars upstairs. Have a good time. (A Japanese man enters)
Hutch: Well, well, wellÉ
Starsky: HereÕs your program.
Hutch: Mr. Tahaka-
Takahashi: Takahashi, sir.
Hutch: Takahashi.
Starsky: (Whispers) Japanese.
Takahashi: IÕm a red-blodded American from Houston, Texas, sir. (Starsky babbles in made up Japanese.) What theÉ (Moves on.)
Hutch: You donÕt know Japanese. WhatÕs you say that for?
Starsky: CanÕt be too careful. (Hands a leaflet to the next man) Welcome, sir.
Hutch: Well, well, well, Bayside Singles.
Woman 1: All right. (A group of men and women enter wearing the same yellow t-shirts.)
Hutch: DonÕt you have nice, large signs.
Woman 2: Oh, well, so do you.
Hutch: Well, thank you very much.
Starsky: One for you and one for you.
Woman 2: Which one are you? Hack or Zack?
Starsky: Whatever turns you on.
Woman 2: Oh, a lot of things turn me on.
Starsky: Really?
Harv: Watch it, clown. Wherever these girls go, I go.
Starsky: Oh, well I hope youÕre prepared to spend a lot of time in my stateroom.
Hutch: All in good fun, sir. No offence intended. Right, Hack?
Starsky: Thought I was Zack.
Hutch: That depends which side of the sign youÕre on.
Starsky: Oh.
Woman 2: Well, listen. DonÕt worry about Harv. HeÕs upset because his chick Kitty didnÕt make the ship.
Starsky: Oh, thatÕs too bad. DonÕt worry, Harv. ItÕll all work out.
Harv: Sure, sure.
Starsky: Chin up.
PA: Visitors will please leave the ship.
Hutch: Have a good time, huh? (The group move on.)
PA: We will be sailing shortly.
Hutch: Drinks are served upstairs. (A woman walks by) Oh, there does a nice pair of jeans.
Starsky: I like that t-shirt.
PA: All shore thatÕs going ashore.
Hutch: Starsk.
Starsky: What?
Hutch: Keep your eyes open.
Starsky: Why arenÕt you keeping your eyes open?
Hutch: I was helping those ladies, I couldnÕt watchÉ (A man stands next to them)
Starsky: You told me toÉ
Hutch: Now, donÕt start with me.
Starsky: DonÕt start with you? What do you think, youÕreÉ (They notice the man)
Hutch: Welcome aboard, sir. Have a nice trip.
Starsky: Read this. (Hands him a program.) LookÉ
Hubert: Excuse men, IÕm Hubert Stuffy and this is my mother. Oh, donÕt be desponded. It was her last request when she died last week that we make this cruise. ItÕs her 35th. And when we pass Ensenada, she becomes admiral of the fleet. Oh, weÕre gonna have a grand time.
Starsky: Terrific, good. (Hubert walks off and Starsky watches him go.)
Hutch: Starsky, Starsky.
Starsky: What?
Hutch: Starsky.
Starsky: What do you want?
Hutch: Starsky, our friends here. If IÕm not mistaken, that is Mr. and Mrs Clark, otherwise known as Patsy Cairo and his faithful bodyguard, Nicky, and thatÉthat hooker, Lily. (They approach.)
Starsky: Welcome aboard the Amapola.
Hutch: Mr. and MrsÉ.
Lily: Clark.
Hutch: Clark, Clark, Clark, Clark, weÕre entertainment directors on the Amapola. Welcome. (Looks at this clipboard.) Clark, Clark. Here it is. Here is it, Mr. and Mrs. Clark.
Patsy: Clark.
Starsky: Clark.
Patsy: WhereÕs stateroom B?
Starsky: Right down, next deck down, sir. To the right.
Patsy: Thank you.
Starsky: YouÕre welcome.
Hutch: Have a nice trip. (They leave) Drinks are upstairs.
Starsky: Clark.
Hutch: Kinda makes you feel goodÉ
Edna: Look at the handsome devils. Oh. IÕm Edna Zelinka from Akron, Ohio. IÕm travelling with my beautiful, single daughter. Bertha, where are you? What happened? (A lady joins her.)
Bertha: I broke my heel.
Edna: Oh, is that incredible. And she is so light on her feet for a girl so well-built.
Bertha: A dancer.
Edna: Look at this face. (Cups StarskyÕs chin) Oh, is that gorgeous.
Hutch: ItÕs ravishing.
Edna: IÕll bet your Polish. IÕm never wrong about something like that. Yes?
Hutch: No.
Edna: YouÕre not? Oh, donÕt kid me. Bertha, I think weÕre gonna have a crazy time. Are we in for a treat? Come along.
Bertha: I love treats. (They move along) Hot stuff.
Starsky: Bye, hot stuff.
PA: WeÕll be sailing shortly.
Starsky: You smooth-talking devil.
Hutch: I didnÕt say anything.
Starsky: I know. (A girl runs across the gangplank.)
Kitty: DonÕt go without me. (Jumps on Hutch and kisses him)
Starsky: UhÉwelcome aboard, Miss? (She lets go of Hutch.)
Kitty: Kitty.
Starsky: Kitty. Oh, you droppedÉ(They both try and pick up her stuff, but she falls over.) Oh, IÕm sorry. You okay? (Helps her up) Come on. Up you go. (Harv appears)
Harv: Let go of her. I have warned you about fooling around with these girls.
Kitty: Harvey Schwab, youÕre insane. If I wanna be friendly, IÕm allowed. Now, donÕt be strangers, sailors. (She walks off. Starsky picks up her tennis racket and slips Harv on the butt.) See you around the quad, Harv.
PA: All ashore thatÕs going ashore.
(The ship sets sail.)
Disco deck: Night.
(Harv and Kitty are sat at a table while people behind them are dancing. KittyÕs checking out the waiter, much to HarvÕs annoyance. Starsky and Hutch enter)
Starsky: Excuse me. Having a good time?
Hutch: Good evening.
Starsky: Welcome aboard. Welcome.
Hutch: Hello.
Starsky: How you doing? (They make their way through the people.)
Hutch: Hello. Welcome. (Starsky reaches Harvs table)
Starsky: Hi. (Hutch joins him) You know something?
Hutch: What?
Starsky: Except for the torpedo tube they gave us for a room, I kinda dig this.
Hutch: Yeah?
Starsky: Yeah. (They walk on and get approached by a man in uniform)
Stafford: Mr. Hack and Mr Zack, isnÕt it?
Hutch: Yes.
Stafford: Which is which?
Starsky & Hutch: HeÕs Hack.
Stafford: IÕm First Officer Stafford.
Starsky: HowÕd you do, Stafford?
Stafford: Mr. Stafford. You will address me as Mr. Stafford or sir. The Captain has made you my responsibility. I should warn you now, I will not tolerate any boisterousness, drunkenness, lechery, or any activity that might upset the passengers or the smooth operation of this ship.
Starsky: All of the above.
Hutch: Aye-aye, sir. Anything else?
Stafford: The Captain send his greetings and requests you report to his cabin at two bells.
Hutch: ThatÕs 9:00, Starsk.
Stafford: I suggest if youÕve been drinking you suck a mint before keeping the appointment. (Starsky checks his breath.) Oh, and I forgot. ThereÕs a lady, says she knows you. Asked you to meet her in her cabin, 202.
Hutch: Thank you, sir. (He leaves)
Starsky: Hey, howÕs my breath? (Breathes in HutchÕs face.)
Hutch: You know something?
Starsky: What?
Hutch: He was right.
Starsky: About what?
Hutch: Your breath.
Corridor: Night
Hutch: No, no, no. There are only eight bells in a day. They go around six times.
Starsky: What time is it now?
Hutch: Well, letÕs take a look. (Looks at StarskyÕs watch.) ItÕs just past eight bells, going on one. Unless of course, youÕre on Zulu time.
Starsky: Zulu time.
Hutch: ThatÕs the official Navy time. And if youÕre on that, of course, itÕs a whole different bell game. (Knocks on the door of cabin 202. Helen answers.)
Helen: Hi.
Hutch: Helen Carnahan.
Helen: Brown. The name is Nellie Brown on this trip. Come on in. Come on. (They enter.) I caught your act while the passengers were boarding. Very, very amusing disguise. I thought weÕd better talk. LetÕs just say I have very good reason for wanting to be Nellie Brown on this trip. As IÕm sure you have yours for wanting to remain Hack and Zack. The point is, you keep my little secret and IÕll keep yours.
Hutch: Well, it might not be that easy.
Helen: Oh, I wonÕt get in your way if thatÕs what youÕre worried about. You just stay out of mine.
Starsky: You were the girl seen running from Eric SnowÕs murder.
Helen: Yes, but I had nothing to do with it. Nothing.
Starsky: And October Moss?
Helen: IÕm very sorry about that part.
Hutch: What is that supposed to mean?
Helen: ThatÕs all I can tell you.
Hutch: Well, thatÕs not enough.
Helen: ThatÕs all youÕre gonna get.
Hutch: Now, listenÉ
Helen: What are you gonna do, put me in irons? IÕve done my homework. You two are fish out of water. You have no jurisdiction here. (Starsky and Hutch share a look) Good night.
Hutch: Miss Carnahan.
Helen: Nellie Brown. (They leave)
Starsky: I think she kinda likes us. (Hutch pulls him down the left corridor.)
(Back in the bar, Harv is looking for Kitty, who has disappeared.)
Corridor: Day
Hutch: LetÕs call home.
Starsky: Get some more information on that lady. (Kitty comes out of a room adjusting her dress.)
Hutch: Kitty.
Kitty: Oh, hello again. (The waiter comes out of the same room adjusting his tie.)
Starsky: TieÕs on backwards.
CaptainÕs Cabin: Night.
(The captain is making himself a drink when thereÕs a knock on the door.)
Captain: Come in. (Starsky and Hutch open the door.)
Starsky: Hack and Zack reporting as ordered, sir.
Captain: Come in, come in. (They enter and close the door.) Close the door. Gentlemen, I better tell you up front, I didnÕt want you on my ship.
Hutch: Well, captain, I think we can understand that.
Captain: DonÕt patronize me! (Stands up to face them.) The final passenger list. ItÕs about the same as the one you had before. Three hundred and twelve passengers. Most of them donÕt know each other. (Hutch takes the list.) Elderly people, widows on the prowl, a singles club. Pathetic young people desperately trying to have fun. Fun. Sort of a microcosm of our society.
Hutch: CaptainÉ
Captain: WouldnÕt you say?
Hutch: Oh, yes, sir.
Captain: Good.
Hutch: Captain, what is our ETA?
Captain: Nothing has changed. We go non-stop to Acapulco. WeÕll be there at 1500 hours the day after tomorrow.
Hutch: ThatÕs 3:00 in the afternoon, Starsk.
Captain: Well, is that all, gentlemen?
Starsky: Not quite, sir. A young lady on board by the name of Nellie Brown. SheÕs using that name, Nellie Brown. Her real name is Helen Carnahan. WeÕd like to send a message to our department to run a check on her.
Captain: Is she a prime suspect?
Hutch: Well, we know sheÕs involved, sir. We just donÕt know to what extent.
Captain: Then your request is denied.
Starsky: But, captain, this is police business weÕre talking about.
Captain: I am fully aware of that, but we are also talking about my ship.
Hutch: Captain, I donÕt think you understand something.
Captain: I told you not to patronize me. If you start making official police calls to the mainland, pretty soon your cover is blown. And the grapevine has it all over the ship. Now, as I see it, you got aboard talking about murder and conspiracy.
Starsky: Yes, sir.
Captain: Well, if thatÕs true and when your cover is blown, the two of you are going to end up dead. I donÕt want that on my ship. Save your calls for Acapulco.
Starsky: What your saying, captain, is that you donÕt trust your crew.
Captain: You can take it anyway you want. (Lies on the sofa)
Hutch: Well, then I guess thatÕll be all, huh? Uh, sir? (The waves them away and they leave and enter the corridor, Hutch a little way behind.)
Starsky: WhatÕs the matter?
Hutch: You know, all my life IÕve dreamed of living at sea. What it would be like to be a captain. Then I look at these two men, the captain and the commodore and I see how the sea has left them. Bitter, disillusioned.
Starsky: Some mistress.
Hutch: The sea?
Starsky: Time. (They walk round a corner. Round the other corner is a man cleaning his glasses.
Patsy CairoÕs Cabin: Night.
(Lily is sat on the bed doing her nails, while the man from the corridor is talking to Patsy and Nicky.)
Marty: IÕm, telling you, theyÕre cops. Their names are Starsky and Hutch.
Nicky: Patsy, let me take care of this.
Patsy: ThatÕs what I like about you, Nicky. Your solutions to problems always reflect so much thought and consideration.
Marty: So, what do we do, Patsy?
Patsy: We wait. Over 300 people aboard this ship. I mean, those cops could be here for any reason.
Nicky: And what if itÕs us?
Patsy: If itÕs us, then IÕll let me little baby brother have his fun. Okay?
On the Deck: Day.
(StarskyÕs playing Simon Says with a group of passengers.)
Starsky: Simon says. Simon says. He says ŌPut your left hand up.Ķ (They put their left hand up) I didnÕt say, ŌSimon says,Ķ I said, ŌHe says.Ķ (Crowd groans.) You better sit down now. Sit down and weÕre out. Here we go now. Get ready. Simon Says. Simon says ŌPut your left foot up.Ķ Simon says, ŌPut your left foot down.Ķ Simon Says put your left hand up. Put it down. (Some one puts there hand down.)
Bertha: Uh-oh.
Starsky: Oh, thereÕs another one. Okay, Simon says, ŌPut your left foot upĶ. Put it down. Simon says, ŌPut your left foot down.Ķ Simon says.
(Hutch approaches a sailor whoÕs watching the game.)
Hutch: Morning.
Art: Zack?
Hutch: Yeah, good morning.
Art: Art Jenson, second officer.
Hutch: Right.
Art: Yeah. WhatÕs next on the agenda?
Hutch: Uh, well, weÕve got a scavenger hunt.
Art: Oh, yeah, they always love that. (Edna comes round the corner.)
Edna: Hi! Edna Zelinka from Akron Ohio. Remember? Say something in Polish.
Hutch: I donÕt know Polish. IÕm not Polish.
Edna: Who are you kidding? I gotta run. That Bertha, sheÕs making a fool of herself over Simon Says. She has so much energy.
Starsky: Simon says ŌPut your left foot up.Ķ Bend over.
Edna: Bertha. Simon didnÕt say ŌBend over.Ķ Oh, youÕre not listening. Bertha. (She runs off.)
Art: The older ones are kind of like children in a way, you know? These cruises, theyÕre their whole lives. They take as many as five and six a year. Whatever their pocketbooks can afford. Well, they seem to like you guys.
Hutch: WellÉ
Art: YouÕre doing a good job. Keep up the good work.
Hutch: Thank you very much. Thank you. (Art walks off.)
Starsky: Put your left foot down.
Crowd: It is down.
Takahashi: You said right.
Starsky: No, I said left.
Takahashi: You said right, boy.
Starsky: No, I said left.
Takahashi: You said right. (The passengerÕs crowd around, yelling.)
Hutch: YouÕre doing a good job, Starsk. Real good job.
Starsky: Okay, all right. WeÕll start again. OkayÉ
Woman: No, you were cheating. (They all leave)
Starsky: No, IÕm not cheating. Simon saysÉHey, come on back, folks. We just began. Okay, more fun in a couple of minutes.
Bikini Woman: Do I have to wait that long?
Starsky: UhÉ (Hutch taps his shoulder.) What?
Hutch: Would you excuse us? We have a couple of things weÕd like to go over.
Bikini Woman: So do I.
Hutch: Yeah, I know. (She walks off.)
Starsky: I was talking to her.
Hutch: Yeah.
Starsky: What did you go and do that for? Did you have to mess up my action?
Hutch: Starsky, will you relax.
Starsky: Relax? You already got Old Lady Lezinka. What more do you want?
Hutch: ItÕs not Lezinka. ItÕs KaziÉItÕs KaÉWill you forget it? Now, how about we talk about some business?
Starsky: Yeah, like what?
Hutch: Like getting down to Patsy CairoÕs stateroom before this ship hits Acapulco.
Starsky: Oh, thatÕs not a bad idea.
Hutch: Yeah, well, I just saw his family and him up there on the deck taking some sun. I think the timingÕs right.
Starsky: Let me ask you something.
Hutch: What?
Starsky: HowÕd you propose to do that without getting caught?
Hutch: YouÕre forgetting itÕs time for the scavenger hunt. (Puts StarskyÕs whistle in his mouth.) Whistle. (He blows his whistle. Everyone crowds around.)
Starsky: All right. Get your lists free. TheyÕre real hot, theyÕre real ready, right off the press. One apiece. Come on now. Take it easy. Read them carefully. We got everything put away where youÕre never gonna find it. Folks, has everyone got one? Okay. Get the list. All right, now. The one who comes back first with all the things on the list wins a trophy suitable for burning.
Hutch: Keep moving. Keep moving. All right. (People walk away look at their lists.)
Starsky: All right. Are you ready?
Crowd: Yeah!
Starsky: Get set! What a motley crew! Are you ready?
Crowd: Yeah!
Starsky: Get set! Go! (They all race off.)
Hutch: Well, here we go. Give me one.
Starsky: Yeah. Happy hunting, kimosabe. Watch out for the masked men.
Hutch: Parker Hose rolls?
Starsky: House. House. (Hutch walks off.)
Harv: Hey, where is she? WhereÕs Kitty?
Starsky: Oh, boy, you got a problem. YouÕre looking at the wrong guy.
Harv: Yeah, where am I supposed to look?
Starsky: Try a mirror.
Harv: If you canÕt help me, I know somebody who can.
Starsky: Yeah, whoÕs that?
Harv: Your partner. (He walks off. StarskyÕs about to follow, but the bikini woman grabs him)
Bikini Woman: Excuse me?
Starsky: What?
Bikini Woman: Are my two minutes up yet?
(Edna stops by a man sleeping on a deck chair and looks under his blanket.)
Edna: Bertha, I found the hot water bottle. Now all we need is the beach ball and the cane and the two Parker House Rolls.
Bertha: Got it. (They run off.)
Corridor: Day
(Hutch sees Kitty coming out of a room.)
Hutch: Kitty. (Takahashi comes out of the same room. They both move on in different directions.)
Takahashi: LetÕs seeÉuh.
(Hutch stops outside PatsyÕs stateroom. He makes a show of tying his shoe when people walk by and then goes to work picking the lock. Just as it opens Nicky appears in the doorway.)
Hutch: Uh, you wouldnÕt have a goatskin rug in there, maybe? A nectarine? Assorted toffees? Some support hose?
Nicky: Are you kidding? Get out of here. (Slams the door. Inside he walks over to a guy on the bed.) What do you think, Marty?
Marty: I think we gotta make a move. We have to get into the captainÕs office. ThereÕs gonna be something there, I know it, thatÕll tell us why those two turkeys are on board.
Fiesta Room: Night
(Most of the passengers are sat at tables watching Starsky on the dance floor with a mic.)
Starsky: Thank you. Thank you. (Crowd applaud.) Keep it up. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Atwater Shipping Lines takes great pleasure and great pride in presenting me. (A few people laugh.) This is our wonderful drummer. Today his wife had a wonderful baby boy. Would the father please stand up and take a bow? (The whole band stands up. More people laugh.) Ladies and gentlemen, IÕd like to introduce the band. (Applause) Now, I know youÕre all looking forwards with great pleasure and great anticipation to the wonderful amateur hour that we are featuring tonight, but first, I think a couple of very important announcements are in order. Most important, tonight, celebrating 12 years of wedded bliss. Congratulations to Mr. and Mrs. Waldo Pitkin. (Applause.) 12 out of 35, that ainÕt bad. And speaking of drunks, why not? The other day I saw a drunk put a dime in a parking meter. He said. ŌWhat do you know? I weigh an hour.Ķ
Man: Sit on it.
Starsky: Thank you.
(Hutch walks up to Mr. Stafford, wearing a sombrero.)
Stafford: Yes?
Hutch: Well, I just happened to notice, sir, that Mr and Mrs. Clark from stateroom B were not at their table for the show tonight.
Stafford: Indeed.
Hutch: Yeah.
Stafford: Well, youÕre not working on commission, are you? Fortunately. However, since youÕre so interested, I see that the occupants of staterooms C, D, E, and F are also not in attendance.
Hutch: Uh-huh.
Stafford: Seems your theatrical activity is not greatly appreciated.
Hutch: Oh, IÕm terrible sorry, sir. (Takes off his sombrero.)
Starsky: Thank you. Sounds good, didnÕt it?
The Corridor: Night
(Marty and Art Jenson are walking down the corridor and Art knocks on a door. Nicky answers.)
Art: Mr. Simon is here.
Marty: Thank you, Mr. Jenson. Oh, oh, by the way, youÕre not gonna forget to take care of that little matter for me will you?
Art: Oh, no, sir. Right away. ItÕs as good as done.
Marty: Thank you. (He enters the cabin where Patsy and a group of men are gathered.)
Patsy: Well, Marty, itÕs about time.
Marty: IÕm sorry. Forgive me. I had to take care of something.
Patsy: All right, letÕs get the meeting started.
Fiesta Room: Night
Starsky: Now, ladies and gentlemen for your listening pleasure, Artie Frennel and his Frantic Five Minus Four. Take it away, boys. (Applause. He joins Hutch behind the band.) You gotta tell me.
Hutch: You were terrific. Well, except for that joke about the parking meter. WhereÕd you get that one?
Starsky: Got it from you.
Hutch: Listen, listen. Patsy CairoÕs still in his stateroom.
Starsky: Oh, boy. We gotta get a look in there before we land tomorrow.
Hutch: Well, thatÕs the idea.
Starsky: I got it. His lady is gung ho on show business. Now, what say that I drag her up here and get her to do a thing in the amateur contest? Maybe sheÕll drag Cairo and the rest of them up here to watch her do it.
Hutch: ThatÕs a good idea.
Starsky: Thank you.
Hutch: Right. WhatÕs her number?
Starsky: Hm?
Hutch: What does she do? WhatÕs her act? (Starsky takes out a piece of paper)
Starsky: ŌGreen SleevesĶ on the zither.
Hutch: Terrific. (Kitty walks between them, smiles and walks off.)
Starsky: Maybe sheÕd like us to stand closer together.
Hutch: Showtime, huh?
Starsky: Oh, Showtime. Look, you hold the fort. IÕll try and get Cairo and crew out of the stateroom.
Hutch: All right. (Starsky goes back out.)
Starsky: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, boys. That was truly fair. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce to you a man who was outstanding in Chicago, outstanding in Boston, outstanding in Philadelphia. And now heÕs out standing in the washroom. (Laughs) Ladies and gentlemen, the incomparable, the absolutely indomitable Zack Shecky. LetÕs hear it for him. (Applause)
Hutch: Zack Shecky?
Starsky: Yeah, it sounds bigtime. Here the list.
Hutch: Thank you.
Starsky: Knock them dead.
Hutch: Right. (Starsky slaps is butt and leaves. Hutch smiles.) Thank youÉ (Feedback.) Thank you, Hack Tuppleman. (He looks at the list and gets a tassel on his sombrero caught on his trousers.) Now, ladies and gentlemen, something that weÕre all ben waiting for. The AmapolaÕs own star-studded amateur contest. And uhÉhereÕs our first contestant. Mr. Clint Tahakashiki.
Takahashi: Takahashi.
Hutch: Takahashi. From Houston, Texas. Weighing in at 192 pounds, in his double-knit corrective slacks. Mr. Tahakashiki-
Takahashi: Takahashi.
Hutch: Takahashi will sing his rendition ofÉĶMy Wild Irish Rose.Ķ? Mr. Tahakashiki.
Takahashi: Takahashi. (Stands up and takes the mic. While Harv is searching for Kitty.)
Harv: I canÕt take it. (Approaches Hutch.) WhereÕd your partner go? He went to meet Kitty, didnÕt he?
Hutch: Oh, no, no, no. You got it all wrong. (Spots Stafford in the crowd.) ThereÕs the man right there. HeÕs the one who went to see your girlfriend. (Harv runs off while Hutch tries unhooking the tassel.)
Takahashi: My wild Irish roseÉ (Hutch falls over.) The Sweetest flower that grows.
The CaptainÕs Cabin: Night.
(Jenson is searching around The CaptainÕs desk. He hides behind the door when the Captain enters. He puts on some music and turns to see Jenson.)
Captain: Mr. Jenson, what on earth do you think you are doing here? You better have an explanation. (Jenson takes out a gun.)
Jenson: ThereÕs only one, captain. (He fires. The Captain collapses.)
Fiesta Room: Night.
Hutch: Our next contestant, Miss Bertha Zelinka, with tops in taps. (Applause)
Edna: Bertha. Your publicÕs waiting, Bertha.
Bertha: Coming mom. (She comes out dressed in a sailor outfit)
Edna: Go, darling. Go. (The music starts and Bertha starts dancing.) I taught her everything she knows.
Corridor: Night.
(Starsky walks up to PatsyÕs room, humming. He knocks on the door.)
Starsky: Mrs. Clark. (No reply. He knocks again.) Mrs. Clark, itÕs magic time at the amateur hour. WeÕre waiting to hear you belt out ŌGreen Sleeves.Ķ (Knocks again.) Mrs. Clark?
(He tries the door. ItÕs unlocked and thereÕs no one inside. He walks along the corridor whistling the Popeye theme. He reaches the end of the corridor and hears voices coming from behind a door. He listens in.)
Patsy: HeÕs not a man we can dismiss lightly. (Starsky stands on the rails to look in through the grate at the top.) If we hold together and firm, weÕll have the upper hand. If we donÕt, believe me, heÕll chew us to pieces.
Marty: MaybeÉmaybe Gus is right. MaybeÉhe has to be taken care of.
Patsy: No.
(Starsky jumps down and walks away. As he comes to a junction, Nicky hits him on the head, knocking him out.)
Fiesta Room: Night
(Bertha comes to the end of her number and the crowd cheer)
The Corridor: Night
(Stafford crouches next to Starsky as he regains consciousness.)
Stafford: Are you all right? You donÕt look very well
Starsky: Yeah. Yeah, IÕm fine. (Leans against the wall.) Just fine. (Looks at StaffordÕs rumbled uniform) What happened to you?
Stafford: Yes. Indeed. On my way to my quarters to clean up. Just had a revolting encounter with an absolutely berserk passenger named Harvey Schwab. He accused me of chasing his girlfriend. (Starsky chuckles then groans. Stafford helps me to his feet.) Have you been drinking again?
Starsky: Huh? What?
Stafford: You sure youÕre all right?
Starsky: Yeah, yeah. IÕm fine. How about you? You gonna be okay, Stafford?
Stafford: Never felt better. (Adjusts his uniform) Mr. Stafford. (Walks off)
Starsky: Mr. Stafford. (Takes off his tie. Walks off.)
Fiesta Room: Night.
(Hubert Stuffy is on stage.)
Hubert: Éever popular Bob White. We go to the North Woods and the famous Canadian Snow Goose, pinning for his lost mate. (Imitates a bird honking.)
Bikini Woman: HereÕs your bird, babe? (Blows a whistle and everyone laughs)
Hubert: Nature knows no titter. (Backstage Starsky meets back up with Hutch.)
Hutch: Hey, what happened to you?
Starsky: I got ambushed.
Hutch: Ambushed? Well, look you want to sit down?
Starsky: No, no, IÕm okay.
Hutch: What happened with Cairo?
Starsky: He wasnÕt in his stateroom. Look, I think weÕre stumbled onto something a lot bigger than a dope deal.
Hutch: What are you talking about?
Starsky: How about every syndicate leader on the West Coast.
Hutch: What?
Starsky: Yeah. You want a list? Jack Patches, Gus Traynor, Long Oscar Nash, Marty Simon.
Hutch: Marty Simon?
Starsky: You got it.
Hutch: We busted him a couple of years ago.
Starsky: And if he spots us, our coverÕs blown.
Hutch: Look, I think weÕd better call the mainland, whether the captain likes it or not.
Starsky: I think youÕre right.
Hutch: Hold on a second.
Starsky: Go ahead.
(Hutch goes back on stage.)
Hutch: Can it turkey. WasnÕt that sensational, folks? (Hubert is shoved off the stage. Hutch adjusts his mic. Well, folks, weÕre coming down to the final contestants. So, letÕs have a nice, warm, Amapola welcome for our next star of tomorrow or the day after that. Performing some gems from your favourite operas. Mrs. Edna Zelinka from Columbus, Ohio. (Edna comes on stage and Starsky and Hutch leave.)
Edna: ItsÕ Akron. My teacher would never forgive me. And I donÕt need this. (Puts the mic aside.) All right, boys. Begin. (Music starts. She starts singing.) See, I learned that fill at school. This was the Fred Astaire school. (Continues seeing, but a record is seen plan backstage.)
Corridor: Night.
Starsky: SomethingÕs wrong?
Hutch: You got a headache? Well, of course somethingÕs wrong. WeÕve got two murders (horn blows) weÕre hanging on to our cover by a shoestring, weÕve got the biggest meeting of the syndicates since Appalachia , and you say somethingÕs wrong.
Starsky: ItÕs more than that. I mean, you donÕt kill a couple of times to cover up a meeting thatÕs gonna result in a coupe of misdemeanour convictions
Hutch: This way. (They turn left.)
CaptainÕs Cabin: Night.
(The music is still playing. ThereÕs a knock on the door.)
Starsky: Captain? (Another knock) Captain LaRue? (They open the door.)
Hutch: Captain? (They enter)
Starsky: Will you look at this? Captain? (Looks in the bedroom) Not in there. (Hutch looks at the desk) Somebody was looking for something. (Stops the music. Hutch picks up a sheet of paper.)
Hutch: Starsk. Special orders issued us by the commodore. (Starsky spots something on the carpet.)
Starsky: I got blood.
Hutch: ThereÕs more here. (They follow the trail to the cupboard where the captain falls out.)
(Beginning where the last episode left off, Starsky and Hutch crouch by the body of the captain.)
Starsky: HeÕs dead. Not for long, either.
Hutch: Radio shack. (They leave, run up some and see Jenson talking to someone round a corner.)
Jenson: All right. They know what to do if Starsky and Hutch tries to make a call. You just make sure that your people find them, okay? (They both leave in different directions.)
Hutch: You get the feeling weÕve just become the hunted.
Starsky: Yeah and the rest of the worldÕs the hunter.
Hutch: You know something, Starsk? If JensonÕs involved in this, maybe Stafford is and the rest of the crew too.
Starsky: One thingÕs for sure, the captain isnÕt.
Hutch: Who does that leave?
Starsky: The lady says weÕre two fish out of water.
HelenÕs Cabin: Night.
(SheÕs lying on her bed, reading when thereÕs a knock on the door.)
Helen: Who is it?
Hutch: Starsky and Hutchinson. (She opens the door.)
Helen: What happened to Hack and Zack?
Starsky: Just went undercover. (They enter.)
Hutch: Starsk. (Nicky and a guy in uniform pass.)
Nicky: Starsky and Hutch maybe hiding in the boiler room. LetÕs check it out.
Hutch: Quiet. (Closes the door.)
Starsky: The hounds are really out tonight.
Helen: YouÕre coverÕs been blown, hasnÕt it. (Starsky draws the curtains.) A couple of great cops you are. The worldÕs getting killed around you, and youÕre out busting heads and playing macho. But the minute the stakes get too hot, you drop the investigation, turn tail and run.
Hutch: Speaking of covers. I think itÕs about time we find out what yours is.
Helen: I told you it was none of your business.
Hutch: Well, Starsk, I guess thereÕs the easy way to find out and thereÕs the hard way. (They start searching the room.)
Helen: Wait a minute. What do you think youÕre doing? You have no right. (Starsky finds a sheet of paper.) Give me that.
Hutch: What you got?
Starsky: Passenger listÉwith Mr. And Mrs. ClarkÉand all the other charming pseudonyms circled. (She turns, Hutch grabs her arm.)
Hutch: Where are you going?
Helen: Going straight to the captain to have you physically removed from here.
Hutch: Well, that might be a little hard to do. The captain was murdered about an hour ago.
Starsky: Look, Nellie or Helen or whatever your name is today, I think itÕs about time we found out who you are and what you are about.
Helen: The name is Helen Carnahan. IÕm a reporter with The Phoenix Sun. (ShowÕs her papers.)
Hutch: Go on.
Helen: October Moss and I were roommates. About a month ago, she called me and said she had a friend who had some information about a high-level syndicate conference that was gonna take place.
Starsky: Eric Snow.
Helen: Only he wanted $5000 for the information. My paper provided it. I came to town, set up housekeeping and just waited for Eric to deliver.
Hutch: So thatÕs what he was trying to do the night he was murdered?
Helen: Yes. The next night they came after me. OnlyÉ
Starsky: They mistook October for you.
Hutch: Look, this is the way it is. In the last hours there have been three murders. Now, we need a place to hide that we wonÕt be found, at least until tomorrow afternoon when this ship docks in Acapulco. Otherwise, weÕre liable to be number four and five.
Helen: Why donÕt you go after them right away?
Starsky: Terrific. Perhaps you could supply us with a list of the good guys and the bad guys. Because if we make a move now, the only thing weÕre gonna accomplish is possibly hurt a couple of innocent passengers.
Helen: What can I say? You wanna bunk here for the night? Make yourselves comfortable. You donÕt bother me. I donÕt bother you. Fair enough?
Hutch: Fair enough.
HelenÕs Cabin: Night
(Bells are ringing. Hutch is waking up on a chair, HelenÕs on one bed and StarskyÕs on the other. The clock says 1200
Boiler Room: Night
(Jenson uncovers a big box and opens it. Inside is the mask he wore when he killed Eric Snow and three black boxes. He opens one. ThereÕs a bomb inside. He starts it ticking. He takes the other two out and leaves only the mask in the big box.)
HelenÕs Cabin: Day.
(Hutch is stretched out on a bed. Starsky is sat on a chair reading a leaflet when Helen comes out of the bathroom.)
Helen: How do I look?
Starsky: Very nice.
Helen: IÕm gonna go up and get some breakfast. IÕll try and get some for you guys without attracting too much attention. (A rumble.) Did you feel that?
Starsky: Yeah. Felt like the engine stopped. (Goes over to Hutch.) Hey, Hutch. Hutch. Wake up. Come on. The engine just stopped. (Hutch puts his boots on.) Take a rain check on that breakfast.
Helen: Yeah. (They leave.)
On deck: Day
(A boat pulls up alongside the ship. A man walks alone side and climbs up a rope ladder when the boat gets close enough. Starsky and Hutch arrive on deck.)
Starsky: WeÕve slowed down to a near stop. WhatÕs going on?
Hutch: Starsk, that doesnÕt look like Acapulco to me.
Starsky: No. (They walk over to the rail.) Well, whatever we slowed down for, two to get you one, itÕs onboard. (They watch the boat speed off.) Hey. (Two men are walking on the lower deck.)
Jenson: Nice to have you onboard, Mr. Fortune. Had a little trouble last night. I had to remove the captain. We got the situation under control now and everybodyÕs ready for you.
Joey: Today, itÕs important we do things on time. (They walk out of sight.)
Hutch: ItÕs Ôcrazy JoeyÕ Fortune.
Starsky: Well, whatÕs he doing onboard?
Hutch: ThatÕs a good question.
Starsky: How you fix for an answer?
Hutch: Patsy Cairo.
Starsky: This thingÕs getting more complicated every minute.
Hutch: LetÕs see how close we can get, huh?
Starsky: Okay. (The go down to the lower deck.)
Corridor: Day
(Jenson leads Mr. Fortune to a cabin. He knocks. The door opens.)
Marty: Mr. Fortune. Do you remember me?
Joey: Little Marty. So big, so strong, eh? (They hug.) Hey, you make me feel like an old man.
Marty: Please, come inside.
(Mr. Fortune and Marty enter. Starsky and Hutch walk down the corridor. Kitty comes out of a cabin followed by Hubert. He goes back in when they pass.)
The Cabin: Day
Joey: A salute, eh?
All: Salute. (They drink.)
Joey: Some things never change, am I right? The good things never change.
Patsy: Ah, things change all the time, Joey. We donÕt always like it, but thatÕs the way life is, huh?
(Outside, on the deck, StarskyÕs walking on the railing using Hutch for balance. He stops outside JoeyÕs porthole.)
Marty: Oh, Mr. Fortune, how do we repay the debts to you? How do we thank you for giving us everything we have? (Helen appears outside another porthole)
Hutch: What do you see?
Starsky: Wait a sec.
Joey: I got a feeling you boys are trying to tell me something.
Starsky: What the hellÕs she doing here?
Hutch: Who?
Starsky: Helen.
Hutch: SheÕs in there?
Starsky: No, outside at the other porthole. (Hutch goes around to see and spots Helen holding a gun up to the porthole.)
Hutch: Starsk! (He runs to her, but she fires, hitting Joey in the shoulder. Hutch wrestles her for the gun)
Helen: Give it. (He drags her down the steps.) No! No! (Nicky comes up behind them)
Nicky: Hold it! Drop it! (The gun drops. Starsky comes up behind Nicky and hits him. Jenson appears.)
Jenson: All right, hold it right there! Nicky, get them inside. (He gets the guns, Starsky starts going a different way.)
Nicky: Hey, over here. Come on. (They all enter the cabin. JoeyÕs arm is bandaged. He has help putting on his shirt.)
Joey: Hey, come here. You, come here. (Helen approaches.) WhatÕs your name?
Helen: Brown. Nellie Brown.
Joey: Nellie Brown. Eh. Brown ainÕt right. I remember a good-looking college girl swearing at me across her fatherÕs grave. What a mouth she had for a kid. WasnÕt Brown then. It was Carnowski. YouÕre Teddy CarnowskiÕs daughter looking for revenge. You know how to hate, kid. WeÕre not so different. Well, thatÕs all ancient history. Something for everybody to forget, right?
Helen: Wrong. IÕm not gonna forget. Next time, I wonÕt miss.
Joey: Sure, sure. Next time. (Jenson enters.)
Jenson: ItÕs clear, but I think weÕd better adjourn to a more private location.
Nicky: What about them?
Patsy: Bring them along. We canÕt afford to leave any loose ends around. Right, Joey?
Joey: Sure, Patsy, whatever you say. I rely on your judgement.
Jenson: Gentlemen. (The gangsterÕs file out while Nicky and Jenson stay behind to usher Starsky and Hutch out.)
Nicky: Come on. (Starsky goes first.)
Jenson: Wait. (Hutch stops while Starsky goes on.) All right. (They leave.)
Lower Deck Room: Day
(NickyÕs tying Starsky to a chain link fence, along with Helen and Hutch.)
Joey After all, I put together the organisation. So, coming back in is a very natural thing. IÕm still a young man. Well, I understand. (Joey and the gang are gathered around a table.) We all live in a democracy, so you wanna vote. Vote.
Patsy: You still have a lot of class, Joey. We vote.
Starsky: So your daddyÕs Teddy Carnowski, huh? Head of the unions. ThatÕs an awful long way from The Phoenix Sun. You knew all along that Joey Fortune was gonna be on this ship, didnÕt you?
Hutch: Listen, if it means anything to you, we both respected your father a great deal. Admired him for the way he stood up to Fortune.
Helen: If you felt that way, then why did you stop me from doing what I had to do?
Patsy: Well, Joey, the voteÕs in. Out in the open, so you know itÕs all fair and square. You want more money, itÕs yours. Vegas, Miami, profit sharing, you got it.
Joey: But do I come back in on top? ThatÕs the real question, isnÕt it?
Marty: IÕm sorry, Joey. No. ThereÕs no hard feelings.
Joey: You know, when I come onboard, he called me Mr. Fortune. Why should there be any hard feelings. This is working out just like I planned it. I figured youÕd all be disloyal to me, try to stab me in the back. ThatÕs why I insisted that the meeting be on the ship. Jenson! (Jenson pulls his gun.)
Patsy: Joey, you still think itÕs 30 years ago, huh? Nicky! (Nicky stands by Joey.)
Nicky: Sorry, Patsy. IÕm with Mr. Fortune too.
Patsy: Well, how do you like that? My own brother.
Nicky: Yeah, your own brother. You treated me like dirt. Besides, like pop always said, ŌStick with the money, Nicky.Ķ
Joey: Signal the boat. (Jenson leaves.) You know, all you boys miscalculated on old Joey. I got everything going for me now. IÕm in charge again, after all. You see, I have to be in charge because all of you are gonna die in one of the worst seas disasters of all time. And somebodyÕs gotta mind the store, right?
Patsy: You know something? You must be getting senile, Joey. ItÕll take a submarine to sink this tub and you donÕt have a navy.
Joey: Five bombs say youÕre wrong, Patsy. Jenson planted them last night. And theyÕre made so they canÕt be disarmed. (Walks around to Starsky, Hutch and Helen)
Sorry it has to end up this way for you, kid. YouÕre tough, like your old man. A fighter. I respect that.
Hutch: So you wanna be number one again, huh? Why donÕt you just get rid of your pals here? Why do you wanna blow up a ship?
Joey: Why do you suppose they call me Crazy Joey? Crazy like a fox. Always do the unexpected. Do you think that their boys back home would give me their support if they knew IÕd killed off their bosses? Like hell, they would. And I donÕt want their support if they did. Loyalty is very important.
Helen: YouÕre talking about 300 people.
Joey: Hey, youÕre making me sound like a very unfeeling fellow. You know I got a bet going with Nicky that al least half the passengers survive. Besides, who thinks anybody is crazy enough to do what IÕm doing just to kill off four or five old friends, huh?
Helen: Somebody will pin it on you.
Joey: Not a chance, kid. (Goes back to stand by Nicky) Now, you people in this room are the only ones in the world who know that I left Palermo. IÕm gonna get off this ship, go out to where my private jet is waiting for me, and by tonight, IÕll be back in Palermo and nobody will ever know that I left. Unfortunately, the rest of youÉ
Marty: YouÕre bluffing, Joey. (ThereÕs an explosion.)
Joey: That was number one. Number three, four and five go off in half an hour from now just to give those who are left time to think about the sharks circling around outside, licking their lips. (Heads for the door with Nicky.)
Patsy: What about number two? When does that go off?
Joey: Oh, yeah, IÕm, uh. IÕm glad you reminded me of that, I almost forgot. (Takes his coat off the bomb.) There it is. Goes off in six minutes. Sort of my own personal way of saying goodbye to a lot of old, close friends. (Jenson enters.)
Jenson: BoatÕs here.
Joey: IÕll never forget you. (He leaves with Nicky and Jenson.)
(They all rush for the door.)
Man: Let me at it. (None of them can open it. Marty goes for the bomb)
Patsy: Wait, what are you doing?
Marty: IÕm gonna throw that thing out the porthole.
Patsy: What are you crazy? You touch it, it might go off.
Marty: ItÕs gonna go off anyway, isnÕt it?
(A shot of the boat speeding away.)
Marty: What do you wanna do? You wanna stand here and look at it? What do you wanna do?
Patsy: I donÕt know.
Marty: Guys, open the porthole.
Hutch: DonÕt touch it! Now, what do you guys know about bombs?
Marty: Well, what do you know about bombs?
Hutch: I know that if you touch that box and you donÕt know what youÕre doing, youÕre going blow yourself and everybody else out of here.
Patsy: What do you mean? What are you talking about?
Starsky: What weÕre talking about is police demolition and little things like impact switches.
Hutch: Delayed fuses.
Starsky: Directional fuses.
Hutch: Pressure-sensitive detonators.
Starsky: Trembler switches. (A moment silence.)
Marty: Well, weÕre running out of time.
Patsy: Wait a minute. (Throws Marty away from the bomb.) Cut them loose. (A guy cuts them loose)
CaptainÕs Cabin: Day.
(Stafford enters the cabin.)
Stafford: Captain, there has definitely been some sort of explosion aboard. (Sees the CaptainÕs body.) Oh, dear, Oh, dear, oh, dear. (Pause) Oh, dear, oh dear.
Lower Deck Room: Day
(Starsky and Hutch lower a sandbag onto the bomb)
Hutch: Easy. Easy. All right, grab that table. Turn it up on end, lean it against the door. (They turn it on itÕs side and lean it against the door.)
Starsky: Com on. Come on. Come on.
Man: Grab some more sandbags.
Starsky: Move it back a little. Move it back! ThatÕs it, thatÕs it. Bring it down, now. Right under the switch there. You got it. You. Okay. (Starsky throws some metal chairs away from the wall.) Get these out of here. Get them out of here.
Marty: WeÕve got one minute.
Starsky: Come on. (Together they lower a blue barrel in front for the table.)
Hutch: One more.
Marty: Fifty seconds.
Starsky: Another sandbag. (They shove some sandbags next to it.) Okay. Bring it. (They lower down the barrel.)
Marty: Forty seconds.
Starsky: Put another sandbag in there! (They shove sandbags around.) Look at the time. WhatÕs the time? Give me the time.
Marty: Thirty-two seconds.
Starsky: Come on. (They shove more sandbags.) What have you got?
Marty: Twenty-five seconds.
Starsky: Okay, get in the room. (Shoves them towards the door.) Come on, get in the room! Get in the room. (Shoves Patsy inside.) Get in the room. (Hutch is still bent over the sandbags.) Okay, come on. Come on, come on. (Hutch, Starsky and Helen crouch behind some crates.)
Helen: Do you think itÕll work?
Starsky: It ainÕt definite. But at moments like these, itÕs comforting to know you got a partner that bathes.
(The bomb explodes. The barrels and sandbags are blown all over the room. Starsky, Helen and Hutch jump up. They throw the chairs out of the way and head out the door, but Stafford appears with a rifle.)
Stafford: Right, thatÕs far enough. Now, nobody is to move until IÕve had an explanation.
(Down in the engine room one of the bombs ticks away.)
Lower Deck Room: Day
Stafford: Most preposterous story I ever heard. Except it would explain why the captainÕs dead and JensonÕs missing.
Hutch: Look, Stafford, there are three more of those devices left on the ship. And if we donÕt find them, you better hope that your passengers can tread water.
Starsky: We have 17 minutes, if weÕre lucky.
Stafford: Seventeen minutes. Right, for three bombs to sink the Amapola, they gotta be below or near water line. (They run off.) Go on, hop it. Try the engine room and the cargo hold.
Helen: What can I do?
Hutch: I donÕt know.
Stafford: IÕll attend to these gentlemen, and then check the lifeboats. Go on, Miss, frisk them.
Stairs: Day
(Starsky and Hutch hurry down the stairs.)
Hutch: LetÕs split up, huh? IÕll take the fantail.
Starsky: Fantail?
Hutch: I got the front. You take the back. Got it. (They head in opposite directions, but stop.)
Starsky: Hey! (Pause) See you around.
(They run of down opposite corridors. Hutch runs into Edna and Bertha.)
Edna: Oh, Mr. Zack, just the one we want to see. BerthaÕs been practising her new routine all morning.
Hutch: Yeah, IÕm sure itÕs wonderful, but now itÕs everybody on deck. We got a new game. (Runs off.)
Edna: A new game.
Bertha: I love games.
(Starsky runs through the lounge and one to the deck, past the swimming pool, dodging people and knocks a lady into the pool.
(Meanwhile Hutch runs down a lot of stairs on the lower deck. Starsky jumps over a railing)
Man: Hey.
(Starsky runs across the deck and down some stairs. Hutch runs across another deck and into a door, down some spiralling stairs and into the cargo hold.
(Starsky goes into the ship and down some stairs. They both start searching their areas)
(Hutch pulls up a floorboards, while Starsky looks behind crates. Hutch hears a ticking. He finds one of them bombs hidden behind some pipes.)
(Starsky approaches the wheel and spots another bomb )
(They both lift the bombs slowly. Hutch opens his to look at it.)
Hutch: Nitro. (He closes it.) Easy. Easy.
(Starsky carries his down some stairs and leaves it on the floor. He searches the engines. Hutch enters from the other side.)
Starsky: Hutch!
Hutch: Yeah!
Starsky: How many you got?
Hutch: I got one!
Starsky: We got two!
Hutch: You got two?
Starsky: No, I got one!
Hutch: We got two!
Starsky: Yeah!
Hutch: WeÕre looking for three!
Starsky: Terrific.
(They move along the rail, searching. Hutch sees it under the engine.)
Hutch: Starsky.
Starsky: What?
Hutch: I got it.
Starsky: Where?
Hutch: We got it. (Points to it.)
Starsky: Jeez. Fortune wasnÕt fooling around, was he? Where you going?
Hutch: Get it from over here.
Starsky: You can reach through here.
Hutch: I got it from here. (Crawls under the rail) How much time we got left?
Starsky: Four minutes. (Hutch makes his way around the pipes towards the bomb.) DonÕt go away.
(Runs back up the aisle while Hutch gets closer to the bomb. Starsky stops and find a white sheet. Hutch picks up the bomb. Starsky picks up his bomb and runs back.)
Starsky: How you doing? (Starsky lays out the sheet on the floor.) I got an idea. (He puts the bomb on the sheet.) DonÕt go away. IÕll be right back.
(Runs up the other aisle, picks up HutchÕs bomb and comes back, while Hutch is making slow progress. Starsk places the bomb down. Hutch hands Starsky the third bomb.)
Starsky: Easy. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.
Hutch: The middle one.
Starsky: I got it. (Places the bomb down with the others.) Come on. (Covers them with his jacket. Hutch climbs out from under the engine.) Okay. (Hutch takes one end, while Starsky takes the other.) Okay? (They lift.)
Hutch: You keeping tension.
Starsky: Lot of tension. (They lift until theyÕre both standing.) Okay, letÕs go.
Hutch: LetÕs go.
(They walk carefully, but quickly back down the aisle. They come out at the bottom of the stairs. Hutch finds some rope.)
Starsky: Up there. (They climb the stairs, Starsky in the lead.) Okay. Okay.
Hutch: Okay.
Starsky: Put it down. (They put it down.) Give me the rope.
Hutch: Just take one end of it.
Starsky: You got it. (Takes the rope, puts it in his mouth and climbs up a ladder. Hutch ties the other end of the sheet, looped over the bombs. Starsky climbs up another ladder, but stops at the top.)
Hutch: Go!
(Starsky pulls on the rope. Hutch stays underneath the bombs as theyÕre pulled up.)
Hutch: Easy.
(Starsky pulls them slowly up until heÕs got them. Hutch comes up beside him, but the rope slips in StarskyÕs hands, but both he and Hutch grab it. They slowly pull the bombs back up again. They take hold of the bundle and Hutch unties the rope. Starsky lays the bombs down again and they both take a side. They continue slowly. When they reach the deck they run.)
Hutch: Look out.! (People scream. Starsky and Hutch run like mad.)
Man: Where are you guys going?
(They reach some stairs and carefully climb down. They run towards the railing at the back of the boat and together throw the bombs into the sea. They explode. People gasp and scream. Starsky rests a hand on HutchÕs shoulder. Hutch does the same.)
Starsky: I donÕt know about you, but when we get home IÕm gonna slip a fiver to the first holy man I see.
Radio Room: Day
(Stafford is trying to get the radio working.)
Helen: You sure you know what youÕre doing? (Stafford moves a dial and speaks into the mic.)
Stafford: Do you read me, San Carlos Station? Respond, please.
Man: Si, Amapola, we are here.
Helen: Hutch! (Hutch enters the room.)
Man: Our authorities have confirmed identities
of police officers Starsky and Hutchinson with American Consulate. We are
authorised to assist you.
Hutch: ThatÕs beautiful. (Takes the mic.) This is Detective Hutchinson. Wanted criminals left this ship by boat less than an hour ago, presumably headed for a Mexican airfield. Can you help us? Over.
Starsky: ThereÕs only one Mexican airfield they can reach from here. TheyÕd have to land their boat near this road.
Man: We are sending a government
helicopter to your position. We should have you within ten minutes, but we will
only be able to transport you as far as the coast.
Hutch: Can you provide us with a pursuit vehicle?
Man: We will try to provide something.
Hutch: Thanks.
Stafford: By God, thereÕs nothing like a spot of danger to make the old blood race, is there?
Open land: Day
(Fortune is sat under the shade of a tree. Jenson walks up to him.)
Joey: All right, whereÕs Nicky? My brainÕs baking out here.
Jenson: I know. He went for the jeep, Mr. Fortune. HeÕll be back here any minute.
Joey: Yeah. (The jeep is seen in the distance.)
Jenson: Hey, Mr. Fortune.
Joey: Yeah? (He sees the jeep.) Well, itÕs about time. Help me up. (Jenson helps him to his feet. He groans. They approach the jeep and get in) Now drive and get me out of this sun. (Drive off.)
Helicopter: Day.
(Starsky and Hutch are inside. Hutch is looking over the land beneath. He spots a jeep.)
Hutch: Starsk, there it is.
(They land next to it and get out of the helicopter. Hutch gets behind the wheel.)
Starsky: Thank you. (Gets in beside Hutch.)
Hutch: IÕll drive.
Starsky: Sure you know what youÕre doing?
Hutch: Yeah, I was raised in one of these things.
JoeyÕs Jeep: Day
(JoeyÕs in the front next to Nicky.)
Joey: Take it easy! Take it easy! Everyone of those bumps is going right through me.
Nicky: Sorry, Mr. Fortune, but we canÕt stop again if weÕre gonna get to the airport when you wanted to.
Joey: Well, take it easy.
Starsky &HutchÕs Jeep: Day
(They drive along a stretch of road, then turn right.)
Starsky: I know this isnÕt the best time to talk about it, but what exactly did you do in Duluth?
Hutch: That depends.
Starsky: On what?
Hutch: The day of the week.
JoeyÕs Jeep.
(Jenson spots something.)
Jenson: Hey, we got company.
(They see Starsky and HutchÕs jeep along side them, far right.
Starsky: I feel like IÕm eating the dessert.
(They speed up closer and the jeep jumps in front of JoeyÕs jeep.)
Hutch: Surprise! (They turn around and start following the jeep, which turns off the road.)
Starsky: Hutch!
Hutch: Will you take it easy, Starsk. (They come up along side JoeyÕs Jeep.)
Starsky: How are we gonna stop them?
Hutch: Watch this!
Starsky: Watch out for the tree!
Hutch: What tree? (They cut in front of the jeep, but go a little too far. They turn around again and continue following the jeep.)
Starsky: I canÕt see a bloody thing!
Hutch: Just hang on!
(JoeyÕs jeep gains a little distance and jumps over a little ramp. Hutch follows with Starsky yelling. They turn back onto the road.)
Joey: WhatÕs the matter? You crazy? (They do another jump.)
Hutch: Take it easy, buddy, IÕm a certified pilot. (They make the same jump.) DonÕt look down, Starsk. (They jump again, landing very near to JoeyÕs jeep. Hutch manages to over take, turns around and head towards JoeyÕs jeep.)
Starsky: Here they come. (They run the jeep off the road, causing it to crash beside a tree. Nicky jumps out)
Joey: Hey, wait a minute. Get me out of here.)
Nicky: Now, weÕre gonna nail them when they come over the top. (The jump comes over the top. Nicky and Jenson fire at it. ThereÕs no one in it. They run to it, just as Starsky and Hutch appear behind them.)
Starsky: Olly,-olly, in free.
Hutch: DonÕt move. (Turns to Joey.)
Joey: Hey, IÕm unarmed.
Hutch: Welcome home, Joey.
The Amapola: Day.
(The passengers are gathered in a hall with Starsky and Hutch.
Stafford: Attention, please, ladies and gentlemen. IÕm sure you will all agree that Mr. Hack and Mr. Zack did their best to amuse you on this trip. (They come forwards to take a bow. Everyone applauses.)
Starsky: Thank you.
Stafford: Yes, they did their best. Thank you. Thank you.
Starsky: Thank you.
Stafford: Hop it. And I now takeÉthank you. (Hutch and Starsky move away.) I now take great pleasure, as the newly appointed captain of this boat ship, (applause.) in introducing a friend of theirs, Mr. Huggerini the incredible, it says here.
(Huggy steps out from behind a curtain wearing a magicianÕs outfit. ThereÕs applause. Starsky whispers in EdnaÕs ear.)
Starsky: Wait till you see this. ItÕs terrific.
Huggy: Thank you. Thank you and good afternoon, devotees of the magical mysteries. Prepare yourself to go out of your gourds with childish wonder and delight as I perform for the first time my famous ŌThousand Swords.Ķ
Starsky: Thousand what?
Hutch: Swords.
Huggy: And now my assistant, Bertha. (Berthas out from behind the curtain.)
Edna: ThatÕs my baby.
Bertha: IÕm in show biz, Ma.
Edna: Baby Bertha.
Hutch: Would you excuse us? Excuse us.
Starsky: Excuse us, Mrs. Zelinka. (They approach the stage.)
Hutch: Huggy.
Starsky: Come here.
Hutch: Why didnÕt you just stick with the straightjacket routine? WhatÕs this swords routine?
Starsky: What are you gonna do with those swords?
Huggy: Never fear, the wizard is here. (Goes back to Bertha) Ah, lovely lady, are you ready to flaunt the magical daggers of disaster?
Bertha: Yes, O Great black one.
Huggy: Step into the cabinet of mayhem and place your very life in these wondrous hands. (She climbs into a fold out cabinet.)
Starsky: He doesnÕt know what heÕs doing. HeÕs gonna fill her full of holes.
Hutch: Starsky, we gotta do something toÉ(Looks over his shoulder at Stafford.) let the world know how wonderful this man is.
Starsky: Really, heÕs terrific.
Hutch: WeÕve seen this act a thousand times.
Starsky: HeÕs fantastic. Magnificent.
Hutch: Beautiful.
Starsky: Wait till you see it. (Huggy hands his hat and cape to a man.)
Huggy: Thank you. I now close the cabinet. (Closes the lid.) And now the placement of the first razor sharp sword. Solid steal. (Taps it on the lid.)
Bertha: Yeah?
Huggy: Ready?
Bertha: Ready. This is my big chance, Ma. (Starsky and Hutch edge away from the stage.)
Starsky: The views better over here.
(Huggy prepares to put in the sword. Starsky and Hutch reach the door. Huggy stabs the sword in and Bertha screams. Starsky and Hutch cringe against the door.)
The End.
Return to Leaningbirch home page
Return to Leaningbirch Starsky and Hutch page
Contact Sarah ugerchucker@hotmail.com
Contact Webmaster racric@verizon.net