The Pilot

transcribed by Sarah Spearey

On Top of a hill: Night

(The lights of the city shine below. Two men are sat in the car.)

Cannell: I hope we get back to the place by 1:00.

Zane: Why 1:00?

Cannell: There’s a picture on the tube that I didn’t see the end of. Red River. John Wayne.

Zane: You never saw the end of it?

Cannell: No. Uh, don’t tell me.

Zane: Well, what’s to tell? He wins. He always wins. Besides, it’s on every night this week. (A car drives up)

Cannell: There’s a car coming.

(A Torino with a white stripe drives up and parks on the hill. Inside, two young people sit)

Girl: Well, come on. Let’s have a good time.

Boy: Thought you’d never ask. (He takes out a joint, lights it up and passes it to the girl)

(Zane and Cannell look at each other and get out of the car. Inside the car the boy is trying to kiss the girl)

Girl: Come on, I’m really passed doing numbers in cars.

(Zane and Cannell come closer with their guns, while the boy tries to kiss her again and she blows smoke at him. The hit men stand behind the car.)

Zane: Isn’t that smoking illegal?

Cannell: Yes, I think we oughta stop them.

Well, that’s what John Wayne would do. (They round the car and fire into the windscreen. Something lands on the horn and it’s blares.)

The Streets: Day

(The Torino drives down the street and stops at the traffic lights. He drives passed two guys playing cards and stops outside a gym, where Starsky gets out and goes inside. Hutch is punching a bag when Starsky comes in)

Starsky: Beautiful.

Hutch: You’re late. (Starsky stops someone hitting a bag)

Starsky: ’cuse it. You know coming down here to watch you sweat is not the high point of my day. (To boxer) Go ahead. Hey, I got Coffee and a Danish, you wanna share?

Hutch: Have I ever?

Starsky: No, but I keep hoping.

(Cut to Hutch in the showers and Frankie gets in the way while picking up towels. Starsky’s sat on a bench)

Frankie: You shouldn’t drink that crap; it’ll rot your guts away.

Starsky: Mama, I just met a doctor. I think he loves me.

Frankie: Funny. Very funny. You’re a big comedian, right?

Starsky: No, Frankie, I’m not a comedian. Try again. (He throws his brown bag of rubbish in Frankie’s towel bin) Hey, Frankie aren’t you ever curious about what me and Hutch do for a living?

Frankie: I got no questions. (Hands Starsky back his back while he’s trying to get a candy bar)

Starsky: Keeping your head in the sand, huh?

Frankie: Better my head in the sand than my tail in a sling. (Hutch dries off behind them) You guys know what you’re doing. That’s good enough for me. (Starsky eats his candy)

Hutch: Yeah, Frankie we know what we’re doing. But I’ll be damned if I know why.

(They leave the Gym, Hutch fully dressed now)

Starsky: Hey, whose car?

Hutch: Mine

Starsky: Why yours?

Hutch: The suspension of yours makes this thing run like a rock in a washer. (He walks passed the Torino and to his own)

Starsky: What are you talking about? I’m ashamed of that car. It hurts my image. (He approaches the car) Why don’t you get it washed?

Hutch: Get in, get in. (They get in) All right, let’s check (Gets a clip board) Shells?

Starsky: Shells.

Hutch: Your Berretta?

Starsky: My Berretta. Your ’38?

Hutch: My ’38. Flares?

Starsky: Six flares.

Hutch: Tear gas grenades?

Starsky: Tear gas grenades. One, two, three, four.

Hutch: Shotgun?

Starsky: Shotgun. Racked and loaded.

Hutch: Two radios.

Starsky: Two radios with fresh batteries. It’s all right.

Hutch: (In to the radio) It’s all right. Flashlight?

Starsky: One flashlight.

Hutch: And the book

Starsky: And the book.

Hutch: Okay, let’s get out of here. (Starts up the car)

Starsky: (Into the mic) Zebra Three here.

Dispatch: Go ahead Zebra Three.

Starsky: Show us out and about at 1600 hours.

Dispatch: Ten-four, Zebra Three.

Hutch: How did it go with Cindy last night?

Starsky: Acceptable, acceptable. You’re still seeing what’s-her-name?

Hutch: Sure. Still seeing what’s-her-name. Took her to the whatchamecallit. Gave her my thingamajig. (They laugh)

Starsky: I didn’t know it was that serious.

Hutch: It’s not. (Hutch spots someone about to cross the road) But that might be.

Starsky: Hmm? Well, that’s a familiar face. Coley.

Hutch: I thought he was in the jug one to five.

Starsky: (Looks through the book) Coley, Coley, Coley, Coley. ‘Was’ is the word. Paroled two months ago.

(They drive passed and get out. Coley stops at a crossing with a blatant tourist. He lifts the man’s wallet from his back pocket. Starsky and Hutch come up behind him.)

Starsky: Put that in your pocket and you’ll pull out a stump.

Coley: What are you two guys doing around here?

Hutch: We work here, Coley. Only our work is legal. Now, why don’t you give that nice man back his wallet?

Coley: Pardon me, Sir. Did you drop your wallet?

Tourist: Oh, yeah. Hey, this is mine. Hey, thank you…

Hutch: (To Coley) let’s take a walk.

Tourist: Let me give you something for you troubles.

Hutch: No, keep it.

Tourist: Thank you. Thank you. Hey, how about that, a great big city like this… (No one’s listening)

Hutch: (Heading to his car) I thought we had an understanding, Coley. You disappointed me.

Starsky: You promised you’d never work in our district while we were here. Remember?

Hutch: Now, why did you go back on your word? It’s not nice to go back on your word, Coley. (He searches Coley’s pockets) All right, spread ‘em out. You know how to do this. That’s immoral, Coley. I would hate to close the door on our relationship.

Coley: Come one, fellas, let me go, huh? Now, I promise. I won’t work your district at all. Straight. Okay, I promise. It’ll take you a whole day to book me. Why do want to waste your time, the whole day to book a two-bit canner like me. You don’t wanna do that, do ya? (Starsky hands him his paper back and he runs)

Starsky: Coley. Next time you put your hand into somebody else’s pocket the two of you better be engaged.

Coley: Ain’t today the 17^th?

Starsky: All day, Coley. Somebody’s birthday?

Coley: No. (Shakes head and leaves)

Starsky: Coley must be taking hormone shots. He never would have crossed us like that a year ago.

Hutch: What’s with this date thing? Since when did it make a difference to Coley what day he picked somebody’s pocket. (They get in the car and drive away.)

The Police Station: Day

(Dobey comes storming down the corridor and passed his secretary.)

Secretary: Captain Dobey, Captain Dobey I… (Dobey storms into the office)

Dobey: I’m here.

Henderson: Captain Dobey. I appreciate you coming down here on your day off.

Dobey: Oh no, don’t misunderstand counselor. I’m here, but I am not happy. I was enjoying doing what I was doing when I got your call and my son was enjoying it too.

Henderson: Well, I don’t know if I can make you happy, Captain, but I doubt if you’ll be bored. It concerns two of your men. Detectives Starsky and Hutchinson.

Dobey: Yeah, what about Starsky and Hutch?

Henderson: Well, our office has reason to believe that someone is trying to kill them.

Hutch’s Car: Night.

(It’s quiet in the car, Starsky looks pensive)

Hutch: All right, what’s bugging you?

Starsky: I’m starting to feel like salt in the sugar bowl. Still can’t get over Coley. How surprised he was to see us. He ain’t the only one. That hooker on Third. Creepy Charlie and the other one. They all acted like we were from another planet.

Hutch: Maybe somebody put the word out that we got transferred.

Starsky: Hey, everybody can’t think we were transferred.

Hutch: Maybe no, but check 2:00. Fat Rolly thinks so.

Starsky: Spotted us and took right off. Hey, you think we’re got ring around the collar.

Hutch: Might be the same thing that got everybody else so uptight. (Parks the car)

Dispatch: Zebra Three come in please. Zebra Three come in.

Starsky: What do they want?

Hutch: Zebra Three here, what is it?

Dispatch: Zebra Three the following from Captain Dobey. He wants you back in here, urgent and immediate. (Starsky takes the mic)

Starsky: Dispatch, you’d better say that again. Our radio’s been acting up. (Hits it against the dashboard.)

Dispatch: Roger Zebra Three.

Starsky: Sometimes we can’t hardly make out a thing.

Dispatch: Zebra Three I repeat…

(Starsky leaves the radio and they both head into the bar. It’s a smoky joint and very full of people. Starsky and Hutch make their way to the back where they spot Fat Rolly at a pay phone, dialing.)

Hutch: Hey, how’s it going Rolly.

Rolly: Great Hutch. Yeah, super sensational. How’s it going with you guys, huh?

Starsky: (Takes the dime from the phone) Fine, Rolly, fine. Here’s your dime.

Rolly: Thanks

Starsky: So anxious to talk to us you couldn’t wait to finish your conversation, huh?

Rolly: Yeah, well, I forgot the number.

Hutch: In the middle of dialing. That’s a little unusual, isn’t it Rolly? (Hutch joins Starsky as he’s watching the patriots)

Starsky: Dig that. I mean, I can take looks like this from one or two people. But this is getting out of hand. (Takes a tray from a waitress.) All right, folks, all right. (Bangs the tray on the bar) Time we set up some new lines of communication here. Now, you all know me and Hutch. That’s Hutch over there with Fat Rolly. And you all know we’re cops. And we know you know. And we know that you don’t like us. But gang that’s the way it is. (Goes around to behind the car)

Hutch: Come here, green eyes.

Starsky: So all day long everybody’s been looking at us like we were Lazarus…the day after and it’s starting to get to us. (To Rolly) You follow? So that’s the question. What’s so special about two cops patrolling the same district they’ve been patrolling for the past three years? Now, somebody in here has got the answer.

Hutch: (To a man) come on, wake up. Wake up.

Starsky: And that’s what we wanna find out. You see? (Hands out pencils) So (takes a notepad from a waitress) Thank you. Charlie. If each one of you would be good enough to write down what you think might be the answer, no names are necessary, 25 words or less will do. (Hands the pencils and paper to Hutch) Neatness and originality will be taken into consideration.

Silver lady: What’s for first prize?

Starsky: A hundred thousand units of penicillin, sweetheart. Share it with your friends. (They start writing.)

Hutch: You know, Starsk, we’ll have to close this place down we don’t get what we’re looking for.

Bartender: Close it down on what grounds?

Public safety code 2377 says every open sewer has to have a manhole cover. (Winks and takes back some paper) Thank you. All right folks, times up.

Starsky: Thank you, Blondie. (Takes back paper) Very good. Does your mummy know you use language like this? Thanks for the pencil Charlie. Thank you. Thank you, oh everybody’s being so nice. Here you go Rolly. (They shuffles through the pile)Well, let’s see what we got here. French. That’s good.

Hutch: (To man looking over his shoulder) What is this, a bus stop?

Starsky: Here it is. Pay dirt. Says I was supposed to have been wasted last night.

Hutch: Yeah, it says it in ink. Just like the pen I loaned Fat Rolly.

Starsky: Really.

Rolly: Hey, come on, come on, what are you guys pulling. You said no names.

Hutch: I didn’t say that, he said it

Starsky: You win first prize, Dumbo. Come on (Drags Rolly to the pool table) Okay, Rolly, who was supposed to kill me. (Shoots the balls around the table)

Rolly: I don’t know, Starsky, on my Mother’s life I don’t know.

Starsky: You don’t have a Mother you were found in a garage can behind Weight Watchers. Again, who?

Rolly: I don’t know, really. Just that everybody heard that there was a contract out on you. That it was supposed to be last night, I don’t know, who or when or where. It was just…You know just a rumor. (Hutch comes over with a tray of drinks)

Starsky: Yeah

Hutch: Why don’t you have a drink, Rolly? Go on. (Rolly takes the drink.)

Rolly: Thanks. Hutch.

Hutch: You know something Starsk. I don’t think that Rolly here is being completely honest with us.

Starsky: No, really? (Sits on a chair by the table.)

Rolly: Oh come on, would I lie to you guys.

Hutch: No, I don’t know, cause when you saw us you headed straight for that phone. And I sure as Hell would like to know who you were talking to.

Rolly: Yeah, I was calling my bookie.

Hutch: Yeah, have another drink.

Starsky: No kidding. What were you betting on.

Rolly: Basketball game. Lakers and Knicks.

Starsky: What kind of spread did he give you?

Rolly: Knicks plus four.

Starsky: Not bad.

Hutch: How’d you know that Rolly when didn’t complete the call. (Pause and then they laugh) You know, there’s something oughta know about Starsky and me. We’re not like most partners. You know usually there’s the one guys that’s kinda folksy, kinda what’s the best for everybody, the Pat O’Brian kind of guy. And then there’s the other guy. Rough them up, hard nosed kind of guy. Well, that doesn’t work for Starsky and me. See, we’re both hard nosed; Rolly and we don’t like it when people don’t give us everything we want.

Rolly: I’m telling you all I’m going to tell you. (Finishes his drink)

Hutch: Okay, Rolly. I’m afraid we’re gonna have to put you under arrest.

Rolly: Under arrest? What for?

Hutch: Public drunkenness. You’ve had over six scotches in five minutes. (Drags him by the coat) Get over here.

Rolly: Come one, huh?

The Police Garage: Night

(Hutch parks the car between two Black and Whites, Starsky’s not in the car. He gets out)

Hutch: Hey, that didn’t take long.

Starsky: Nah, you think he was been booked for the first time. Screamed like a stuck pig.

(A tow truck passes them pulling a red Torino with a white stripe)

Hutch: Hey, Starsk.

Starsky: What? Hey, that’s just like my car. (They take a closer look at the holes in the windscreen.)

Hutch: It’s no wonder they were surprised to see you.

Starsky: Looks like they got it point blank. Sure didn’t take any chances on missing. That is a stinking crime.

Hutch: Trying to kill you, you mean?

Starsky: Yeah. Not to mention screwing up a great car like that. (They walk away)

Dobey’s Office: Night

(Starsky and Hutch are sat listening to Henderson read off a file)

Henderson: We have reason to believe that somebody tried to kill Detective Starsky last night and according to the Internal Affairs report the Torino was stolen in the Ottawa Hills section of town and then driven out to the beach where the murders occurred.

Steele: It’s the IA’s contention that they spotted and thought Starsky here was out with a girl. He has that reputation as we all know. And then they follow the Torino and killed the two young people thinking that they were getting Starsky.

Hutch: What a minute, who is “they:?

Henderson: Someone hired by Frank Tallman to stop you from testifying against him at the trail Wednesday morning. I know it sounds like a long shot Captain, just because the car involved was the same as Starsky here drives. (Taps Hutch on the shoulder)

Hutch: I’m Hutch. He’s Starsky.

Dobey: Well, anyway what Henderson is trying to point out is, you’re not the only one to drive that kind of car.

Starsky: No, I’m not, but it’s not exactly a model T either. Not with that paint job and the shocks are set it up on its nose a little more than most. I’d say it might be a case of mistaken identity, but it wouldn’t’ be Tallman.

Henderson: Together, your testimony can convict him of eight counts of bribery. Don’t you think that’s sufficient motive?

Hutch: Yeah, yeah, I think that’s sufficient motive. I also think he’s sufficiently bright, not to try to get at us that way.

Henderson: Then who else?

Hutch: Who else.

Starsky: Who else.

Hutch: The Coleman brothers. They’d mulch us if they get the chance.

Starsky: Hey, what about that guy with the bad breath. You know with the gimpy leg.

Hutch: Yeah, yeah, Pucker,

Starsky: Pucker

Hutch: Pucker, he’d take a shot.

Starsky: What about the Clancy brothers. They might take a crack at splashing us again.

Hutch: And pointdexter.

Dobey: All right, fellas, knock it off.

Henderson: Look, one thing is definite, I want you two men off the streets til after Tallman’s trial for your own good.

Dobey: Look, counselor, our department has a schedule to meet too. Maybe you don’t know that. There’s a lot of places these guys got to be. For openers, we have a very important naro stakeout to run and it’s taken six months to set it up. And besides all that I’ll tell my men in this department where to go and I’ll tell them where.

Henderson: Now, look, Captain… (Phone rings)

Dobey: Yeah?

Starsky: And you said he was just another pretty face.

Dobey: All right, I’ll tell them out. (Hangs up) The drunk you just busted, well, the bondsman is processing him out now. Mike said you wanted to know about it. (Hutch and Starsky stand up)

Hutch: I’ll cover him. Let’s exchange cars. You get your car.

Starsky: Got’cha.

Hutch: Nice to have met you, Mr. Henderson. And Lieutenant Steele, always a laugh talking to you. (Winks and leaves)

Henderson: Now wait…just a minute…

Starsky: (To Dobey) will that be all?

Dobey: Yeah.

Henderson: May I ask why you’re changing cars?

Starsky: Sure. To let whoever it is know that it didn’t work. You see what you guys don’t realize is that Hutch and me are willing to get burned out in the street but it would hurt like Hell if we lost sitting on our tails. (He leaves)

Booking area: Night

(A policeman struggles with a woman talking in another language, possibly Spanish. As she’s taken away Hutch enters, sits at a desk and makes a call.)

Hutch: Yeah, who’s this? Charlie I wanna leave a message for Huggy Bear. Yeah, would you tell him that Starsky and Hutch wanna see him tomorrow night? Yeah, no, he’ll know where and when. That’s Hutch and Starsky. Thank you.

(Hangs up. He sees Fat Rolly coming out and collects his stuff. He goes over to a payphone and makes a call)

Hutch: Calling your bookie again, Rolly.

Rolly: No, no. Calling my mother. Wanted her to know I might be a little but late for din-din. (He walks off laughing)

Police Garage: Night.

(Hutch is sat on the boot of his car when the Torino drives round and parks. Hutch gets in the passenger side.)

Starsky: What’s wrong?

Hutch: I don’t know. It’s like when I was married. Nancy and I’d go out and we’d leave the house. She’s go running back; sure she’d left the water running or something.

Starsky: And?

Hutch: And I get that feeling about Fat Rolly. He did something, he said something that wasn’t right. And I’ll be damned if I know what it is, but I saw it. I was there and I saw it.

Starsky: Fix my mirror, will ya?

Hutch: Yeah. (Fixes the mirror as they pull out.)

Unknown Location: Night

(Fat Rolly is making a call at a payphone, on the other end the two hitmen are packing their stuff. Zane answers the phone.0

Zane: Hello?

Rolly: It’s me. I’ve got more instructions.

Zane: Yeah?

Rolly: You’ve got to do it one more time.

Zane: When?

Rolly: I’ll tell you…I’ll tell you when and where later.

Zane: All right, you got it.

Rolly: All right. Bye-bye. (They both hang up)

Zane: You’d better stop packing We gotta do it again.

Cannell: We gotta do it again?

Zane: Yeah, we gotta do it again.

An Alley: Day

(The Torino pulls up next to a tramp searching through the dustbin.)

Hutch: Not much of a take today, huh, Lijah.

Lijah: Not enough to keep body and soul together.

Hutch: Yeah, well, I guess there aren’t a lot of people who’d like to think the end of the worlds coming.

Lijah: I think it’s all ready happened brother and we’re all in Hell.

Hutch: Lijah? (Hands him a dollar.) Just in case, put in a good words for us, okay?

Lijah: You didn’t have to do that.

Hutch: I know

Starsky: Take it easy, Lijah. (Drive off. Lijah smiles and gathers up his things)

Lijah: Charles? Charles? I…I’ll buy you some coffee Charles. I…I’ll treat you to some coffee.

On the street: Day

Starsky: It’s a toilet bowl. That’s what it is.

Hutch: What are you talking about?

Starsky: This. What we go, where we do it. You and me are like little bugs waiting to crawl out and every time we try, someone flushes.

Hutch: Yeah, well, you and me can be thankful we’re a couple of bugs who know how to swim.

Starsky: Yeah. (Looks in the rear view mirror and sees a car following them) Especially since we have a shark on our tail.

Hutch: You think he’s following us.

Starsky: Let’s find out. (Speeds up and goes round the corner the car is still following.

Hutch: How about that alley.

Starsky: That’s a fine idea, Ollie. (They go down an alley and the car is still behind them. Where ever they go the car follows.)

Hutch: He’s still with us.

Starsky: Think he probably wants to make friends.

(They get to the end of the alley and back on a main street. They make a few sharp turns down some surprisingly empty roads. The Torino turns so it doesn’t hit another car and the Torino goes round in a circle with the pursuing car. The Torino drives around a car park and then goes in and stops. The other car stops too. Starsky and Hutch jump out)

Starsky: The driver, Hutch. The driver! (Starsky goes over the bonnet while Hutch pulls the driver out)

Hutch: Get out of there. (Starsky goes for the other one)

Starsky: Come out here. Come out here. (Throws him on the bonnet of the car and practically sits on him)

Hutch: Okay, who are you and what do you want?

Goon 1: Take it easy. He’s got a message for you. He’s got a message for you.

Starsky: What?

Goon 2: Tallman, he’s want to meet with you.

Starsky: When?

Hutch: Why?

Goon 2: I don’t know why, but the when is now.

Starsky: Quiet.

Tallman’s House: Day

(A fancy big house with a chandelier. The door bell rings and a man answer the door)

Hutch: Is this the Tallman residence?

Starsky: We’re Starsky and Hutch; we have an appointment with Mr. Tallman. (They enter) Ah, He’s Hutch. I’m Starsky. (A woman comes down the stairs to met them)

Hutch: Hello. I’m Mr. Hutchinson. This is Mr. Starsky. We’re expected.

Lady: This way, please. (They walk up the stairs.)

Joseph: All right, that’s far enough.

Lady: Joseph. Mr. Starsky and Mr. Hutchinson. Won’t you please take off your clothes (Goes down stairs)

Hutch: Why do we have to take off our clothes?

Lady: Because Mr. Tallman is in the steam bath and he expects you to join him there.

Joseph: See, if you got no clothes on Mr. Tallman knows you’re not wired for sound. Mr. Tallman doesn’t like people wired for sound.

Hutch: Well, there goes his political career.

Joseph: If you don’t mind we’ll just take your hardware. (Goes for Starsky’s gun but he grabs his wrist and pins him to the wall. Hutch hits the other guy a few times and throws him down the stairs.)

Starsky: Not nice, Joseph. Not nice. Now tell me, where is this stream room?

Joseph: Door Three.

Starsky: Thank you.

(Lets him go with a little kick. The reach an area to get changed and start to take off their clothes.

Hutch: You know, my mother always used to tell me to wear clean underwear in case I was ever in an accident so I wouldn’t shock the nurses. As I recall this particular situation did enter into the conversation.

(A woman exits the steam room, picks up some clean towels and stands behind Starsky and Hutch)

Woman: Would either of you like anything to drink? (The boys look a little embarrassed.)

Hutch: Ah, no thank you ma’am, we’re on duty. (They take the towels and put them on)

Woman: Couldn’t tell, honey. You ain’t wearing a badge.

(They enter the steam room)

Tallman: Nice, huh? You see? Crime does pay.

Hutch: Mr. Tallman?

Tallman: Yeah.

Hutch: Mr. Tallman, does it pay enough to make you want to kill us?

Tallman: No, but crime creates wealth and wealth begets envy and someone who envies me is attempting to frame me with your murder.

Starsky: Well, we haven’t been murdered yet. (Starsky sit on tiled steps next to Tallman) So, ah, you’re in the clear.

Tallman: I know. I know, but they’ll try again. Cigar?

Starsky: No, thanks.

Hutch: No, thank you very much. (Sits down)

Tallman: Havana.

Starsky: No.

Tallman: Yes, they’ll try again. Sometime today, tonight. Because if they kill you after the trial I don’t have a motive and they can’t frame me. And that’s what this is really all about.

Hutch: In other words, we’ll be dead and you’ll be the injured party.

Tallman: Exactly.

Hutch: But, Mr. Tallman, you know damn well that if we testify against you in court tomorrow you’re in for a very heavy fall.

Tallman: Not really. Let me tell you how it will work. If you testify I will be found guilty because, as we all know, I am guilty. But then my lawyers will ask the judge to fix bail which will be an outrageous sum. But not so outrageous that I-I couldn’t pay it, so I’ll be home in time for cocktails. Then my lawyers will appeal and the appeal will be denied. Then they will appeal higher up and that appeal will be denied. Very shortly this case will drag through the courts for five or six years. Now I’m 61, I have high blood pressure. My father died at 58. By any actuarial projections I won’t make it to 65. So you see, the courts will find me guilty 2 years after I’m dead. I think I’ll be able to whether the disgrace of it all.

Starsky: So help us stay alive so you don’t get framed. Tell me, you know a team, of hit men, two guys who worked together at point-blank ranch?

Tallman: Yes, I do.

Starsky: What are their names?

Tallman: No, no, no, no, I wouldn’t give you their names. They didn’t do it because if you did, you’d be dead.

Starsky: You’re that sure?

Tallman: That sure and more. So why don’t you spend the night here and tomorrow morning we’ll have a big breakfast and go to the trial together. And there’s no way they could blame me for your murder.

Hutch: Thank you very much, Mr. Tallman, but we’ve got appointments. (They stand to leave)

Tallman: Gentlemen, are these appointments worth dying for.

Starsky: Even dying’s a living. (They leave)

The Hitmen’s room: Night

(Fat Rolly’s stood in front of a TV on the phone)

Rolly: Yes sir, yeah. They’re all ready. Yeah, right.

Cannell: Move over.

Rolly: Yeah, okay, hold on. (Gets out a pen and writes) 423 North Elm, right. I got it. Okay (Hangs up and hands paper to Cannell) All right. They’re all yours.

Cannell: Right now? (Rolly nods) Oh jeez. I’m never gonna see the end of this picture.

Zane: Are you sure they’re gonna be there?

Rolly: Are you kidding. Starsky and Hutch miss a narco bust.

Zane: Listen, Cannel, listen to this. Thy hand, great Anarch, let’s the curtain fall. And universal darkness buries all.

Cannell: That’s terrific. (They get their guns and prepare to leave)

Zane: It’s Voltaire, 1744.

Rolly: Ha, I knew that.

A Motel: Night

(It’s rain very hard, thunder rumbles over head. Hutch is hidden in a tropical bush. He sneezes. Starsky is hidden in one opposite)

Starsky: Gesundheit.

Hutch: Thanks. (Starsky moves to get a better look) What’s he doing, Starsky?

Starsky: Looks like he’s waiting for somebody.

Hutch: Well, so are we. Hey, remind me to thank Dobey for keeping us on the streets.

Starsky: He didn’t say anything about monsoons that fink.

Hutch: How about that IA creep, Steele. Now, there’s a beaut. I’ll bet he’s smart enough to stay out of this rain.

Starsky: Ten’ll get you 20 he’s in some doll’s house, warm and snug like our friend up on the second floor there.

Hutch: You think he’s got the stuff up there?

Starsky: If he does we can’t prove it or even get enough cause to get a warrant. We’ve gotta nail him with it.

Hutch: Well, I hope it’s soon buddy. I think I’m shrinking.

(A woman comes out with her dog)

Starsky: Hey look at those legs.

Hutch: Where? Oh yeah.

Dog Lady: Come on, I’m taking you to your favourite tree. (Walks around the pool)

Starsky: The ugly one’s yours.

Hutch: Naturally.

Dog Lady: Oh, it’s pouring. (She takes the dog up to the bush Hutch’s is hiding in) Come on, come on, Tiger. This is your favourite tree, now. Hurry up.

Hutch: Starsky, you’re not going to believe it. But they found their favourite tree. It’s me. (Starsky laughs)

Dog Lady: Will you stop fooling around?

Hutch: (whispers) go on Tiger. Get out of here.

Dog Lady: I’m not looking, so hurry up.

Starsky: Go get ‘em, Tiger.

Dog Lady: You wanna be naughty.

Hutch: Go on.

Dog Lady: Okay, come on, but you better not wake me up later. (Walks back)

Starsky: Aren’t you glad she sold her pony.

Hutch: Ha-ha.

(Through the bushes a man makes his way across the building. He’s dress in a black trench coat and hat.)

Hutch: Starsky, check your left. We got company. (He gets into the lift) You make him?

Starsky: I know our book from front to back. He ain’t in it. (He gets off on the second floor. He knocks on the door Starsky’s watching) Bingo.

Hutch: Is he carrying anything?

Starsky: No, not that I can tell. (The man is back in the lift) I don’t think they made a pass.

Hutch: Then how are they going to get the junk out.

Starsky: Patience, patience. I don’t know.

(The man leaves and out in the parking lot, a car parks next to the Torino. Zane and Cannell step out. Meanwhile the man Starsky’s watching leaves his room)

Starsky: Here comes Santa Claus and I think he’s carrying our present. (The man throws a package into the pool) What do you think?

Hutch: Beats the Hell out of me. I guess we wait. (A ninja type guy jumps off the roof)

Starsky: Not very long. Check the upper balcony. (The ninja makes his way down the lift) Cute, real cute. (He makes his way to the pool with a pole and tries to get the package.) Police! Freeze!

(The man throws the pole at Starsky and runs, but Starsky catches him and they both end up in the pool. They fight, but Hutch is there.)

Hutch: You, hold it! Hold it! Come on out of there. (They drag him out of the water, but the hitmen arrive.)

Starsky: Mayday. (They dive in the pool, while Zane and Cannell shoot the ninja and run off. Starsky and Hutch come out, but the hitmen are gone. People gather outside their rooms) One of you men, call the police.

Hutch: Wonder who he is? (Points to the ninja floating in the pool) Was.

The Laundry Room: Night

(Starsky and Hutch are drying their clothes while the manager talks to them)

Manager: How much longer you guys gonna be?

Starsky: Why? (Hutch is drying his boots)

Manger: ‘Cause you’re not the only ones with a job to do you know. Like what should I do about the swimming pool? You think the filter will handle it all?

Starsky: Handle what all?

Manager: Blood. All that bloods liable to throw that chemical balance off something fierce.

Starsky: I don’t know nothing about swimming pools.

Manager: You’re a cop ain’t ya? I figured you’d know all about blood. (Blank stares) Ah, the telephones over there if ya wanna call headquarters. And I’ll be on the switch board but you gotta dial eight first.

Hutch: Yeah, thank you

Starsky: Fine. (Hutch stares at the phone)

Hutch: Damn

Starsky: What?

Hutch: That’s it. That’s what Fat Rolly didn’t do. He didn’t dial for an outside line.

Starsky: What are you talking about?

Hutch: When Fat Rolly was released he made a phone call but he didn’t dial eight for an outside line. He dialed four numbers. Now, don’t you see? That’s an extension inside the building.

Starsky: Well, maybe he made a mistake.

Hutch: No. No way. He’s been in that slammer more times than he can remember. He knows what’cha gotta do to get an outside line.

Starsky: Well, he could have forgotten, you know. He was under a lot of pressure.

Hutch: Sure. Sure, he was under a lot of pressure. He knows who the trigger men are and he knows there’s somebody in the department that’s setting us up.

Starsky: What are you building? Nobody in the department’s setting anything.

Hutch: Then how did they know we had taken over on this stakeout. We called it into headquarters. That’s how they know. And somebody’s feeding them our whereabouts every time we call it in.

Starsky: Wait a second. What you’re saying is that Captain Dobey or Henderson or Dobey and Henderson or Dobey or Steele or Henderson and Steele or any one of nine million other guys who might be trying to kill us has a direct pipeline to the department.

Hutch: That’s right. That’s right.

Starsky: Who are we supposed to report this too? I mean, who in the Hell are we supposed to trust.

Hutch: The same people we always trust. Us.

The Diplomat: Night

(Starsky and Hutch come out of a place called the Diplomat.)

Starsky: Can you believe it.

Hutch: What?

Starsky: No rain.

Hutch: Yeah, it’s clear as a bell.

Starsky: Couldn’t have stopped to hours ago, huh?

Hutch: Hey, Starsky.

Starsky: Yeah?

Hutch: Maybe somebody’s trying to tell us something. (They get in the Torino)

Starsky: Let’s hope it Huggy Bear or we’re in a lot of trouble. (Starts the car)

Galway Theatre: Night

(Inside a man leaves the dark room as Starsky and Hutch enter with popcorn.)

Starsky: Hey, isn’t that the chick we busted last week.

Hutch: Yeah. She didn’t say she was a movie star.

Starsky: Hey, I know that guy with the brown socks. (A man shushes them.) What does he think this is an art museum? (The walk down the aisle and select some seats in the middle.)

Hutch: Excuse me. (They sit in a clear area) You know something, Starsky? She looked better dressed. (They laugh. Behind them a lady is drinking out of a thermos while engrossed in the movie. She also puts salt on an apple. Huggy enters the theatre) Here comes Huggy. (He sits in front of them)

Huggy: What it is? What’s happening?

Hutch: (Leans forward) Huggy, we thought maybe you could tell us.

Huggy: About what?

Hutch: Well, let’s start at the top. Do you know two hit men, probably imported recently that tried to burn us?

Starsky: And anything else you might happen to know about Dobey or Henderson or Steele or any other brother cops that might be moonlighting as bad guys.

Huggy: Starsky, I don’t like to talk to cops about cops.

Starsky: Huggy, they tried to kill us. Us. They tried to put holes in our bodies where our bodies were not intended to have holes. So you’ll talk to us now?

Huggy: Dobey’s a pretty good cop, but he likes the ponies too much, but he ain’t on the take. And besides he won’t try to lay off something like that.

Hutch: What about Henderson?

Huggy: Henderson? Henderson’s got too much bread to be on the take. Besides, he’s engaged to some pretty high class money. The DA’s thing is like slumming as far as he’s concerned. Henderson’s eye is on higher office. (About the movie) Hey, did you dig that? How did they do that? They…did you…

Starsky: Huggy. What about Steele?

Huggy: Steele. Pretty bad cat, man, I mean, he’s very fond of a few working girls in the district. And let me tell you, he don’t care for you two guys at all.

Starsky: Yeah, well, he hasn’t kept that a secret.

Hutch: Huggy, what about the hit men?

Huggy: The only two new guys I heard about were Zane and Cannell. But if they were after you, they would have got you.

Starsky: Huggy, we owe you. (Huggy takes his popcorn and they leave)

Huggy: Get it on, mama.

(Outside)

Starsky: You know Tallman said the same thing about those hit men.

Hutch: So? (Walk across the road)

Starsky: I’ll tell ya something Hutch. When I was in high school, I played defensive back for the football team. And by the end of the season we were unbeaten and the team we were playing was unbeaten. You got a dime?

Hutch; Yeah.

Starsky: And they had a black kid playing end for them. Um, Warrant was his name. He ran100 in 9.9. I couldn’t keep up with him if I was riding on a cannonball. (Enters a phone booth) So the thing was I couldn’t afford to let this kid sucker me in, okay? And they kept sending this kid out into my area. He’d go, phreet, running by me and I’d go running after him. And then I’d start to listen, Hutch, because there’s a sound the crowd makes when a ball’s in the air (Dials a number) it’s kinda like 10’000 people getting hit in the gut at the same time. (Into the phone) Hello, Mr. Tallman, please. Detective Starsky here and it’s urgent and he’ll want to be awakened. Right, thanks. (To Hutch) And I could tell by that sound that the ball was in the air and that I had been suckered. (Into the phone) Mr. Tallman, yeah, Detective Starsky here. One quick question, those two guys you said couldn’t miss us, their names, are they Zane and Cannell? Thank you. (Hangs up) I just heard that sound Hutch. We’ve been suckered.

Hutch: What do you mean?

Starsky: Everybody says those two guys couldn’t miss, okay. I say they don’t miss unless they’re supposed to.

Hutch: Why were they supposed to miss?

Starsky: Because whoever it was wanted to kill not you and me but one or both of those kids that did get splashed. Nobody’s investigating those two murders because they got everybody believing it was a case of mistaken identity. There are two dead bodies down there in the coroner’s school that nobody gives a damn about.

Hutch: They were never after you

Starsky: Never. Well, do you buy it?

Hutch: I buy it.

The Coroner: Night.

(A woman in black is crying over a body on a slab and a priest is stood behind her. The coroner enters followed by Starsky and Hutch)

Coroner: Well, let’s see, 16, 16, 16. Oh here we are. (Opens a draw and uncovers the face of the body) Neat little figure she had, I wonder what her face looked like. I tell you these young people today are really something…

Starsky: Was identification made through her fingerprints.

Coroner: Yes sir. Patricia Talbot, age 19, female, Caucasian. (Hutch lowers the sheet) We used to call them ‘white’ I can remember back in 1941…

Starsky: Did the autopsy turn anything?

Coroner: Well, only that she was killed with a heavy weapon at close ranch, she was two months pregnant. No wedding or engagement ring. You fellas seen enough?

Hutch: Yeah.

Starsky: Thank you. Can we see her personal effects?

Coroner: Oh I don’t think so. (He pushes the draw back in) Her roommate was checking them out at the front desk when you two pulled in. She’s probably gone by now. (Starsky and Hutch run off. They catch up to a girl leaving with a brown bag)

Starsky: Oh miss, miss? Are you Patricia Talbot’s roommate?

Gretchen: Yeah

Hutch: Are those her personal effects?

Gretchen: Why?

Starsky: Police officers ma’am, we’d like to take a look at them, please.

Gretchen: I don’t know. I mean, I signed a receipt for them back there.

Hutch: Let me explain something…

Starsky: Miss, what’s your name?

Gretchen: Knebel. Gretchen Knebel.

Starsky: Well, Miss. Knebel.

Gretchen: Ms.

Starsky: Ms. Knebel, we never knew Patricia, but she was murdered and we’d like to find out who did it. I think that makes us here friends too.

Gretchen: Lots of cops say things like that.

Starsky: Yeah, a lot of cops also say ‘Oh what a beautiful morning’ but I hope you know the difference between the ones who really know the melody and those that are just saying the words.

Gretchen: Well… (Hands over the bag, Hutch takes it.)

Starsky: Thank you. (They empty the bag on a bench and look through)

Gretchen: Hey, how come the police didn’t hang on to Patty’s stuff?

Hutch: That’s a good question, Gretchen. Why didn’t the police hang on to Patty’s stuff? Hey, Starsky, I got a notion.

Starsky: Tell me.

Hutch: We’ve just been assuming the department ran makes on the two kids that were killed. What if they didn’t?

Starsky: On my way. (Runs to the phone)

Hutch: And check on Zane and Cannell too.

Starsky: Gotcha. (Picks up the phone)

Man at desk: You got to dial 8 for an outside line.

Starsky: Thank you.

Hutch: Were you close personal friends with Miss. Talbot? (Continues looking through the bag)

Gretchen: Nah, they just assigned us. We didn’t take the same courses or anything. I’m a phys-ed major. She was taking pre-law.

Starsky: Yeah, I want a priority one make on the following individuals. Patricia Talbot, deceased.

Hutch: You said pre-law right?

Gretchen: Yeah, not that she was a big book drudge though, but because lawyers are rich and she said she always wanted a rich husband.

Hutch: She said that, huh?

Gretchen: Now, me. I prefer a guy that’s physically fit, you know what I mean?

Starsky: That’s probably a long one on Zane and Cannell. Yeah, probably both a red file.

Hutch: Gretchen, do they ever have guest instructors at the university?

Gretchen: Hardly ever in phys-ed.

Hutch: How about pre-law?

Gretchen: I don’t know, I take phys-ed.

Hutch: Oh, yeah. (He finds her timetable with Henderson’s name on) What’s this?

Gretchen: Class schedule.

Starsky: It’s Henderson.

Hutch: Yeah, it’s Henderson. How did you know that?

Starsky: Well, I don’t know how he got to the girl, but listen to this…

Hutch: I do. I do.

Starsky: Yeah, but listen to this…

Hutch: Thanks, Gretchen, Thank you. (Takes Starsky to one side.) He instructs a class that she took twice a week.

Starsky: Okay. Love happens. She blooms. She won’t go away; she won’t get rid of the kid. He’s got a marriage coming up. He’s got to get rid of the girl.

Hutch: What about Zane and Cannell, what did you find out?

Starsky: He had them up on a murder two. That’s a tight rap. Charges were dropped on the recommendation of guess who?

Hutch: District Attorney Henderson. The kid, the kid who stole the Torino. What about him?

Starsky: On probation at the request of…

Hutch: Henderson. So, he gets the kid to steal the car…

Starsky: Yeah

Hutch: And drive the girl down to the beach where he’s got Zane and Cannell waiting for them to kill them.

Starsky: And Henderson gets everybody in the department thinking that I was the intended victim.

Hutch: The Tallman’s trial has nothing to do with this.

Starsky: That’s right. The whole thing backing each other up, corroborating evidence, it’s all hogwash. That was all a front just to get rid of the girl.

Hutch: It fits, it fits, it all fits.

Starsky: I heard that sound, Hutch. The ball’s in the air. (They leave)

The Streets: Day

(Henderson’s car comes round a corner. Starsky and Hutch are parked across the street in Hutch’s car)

Hutch: There’s our boy.

(Henderson’s car parks outside the City Hall South building and he gets out of the car and goes in. Inside he heads to his office.)

Henderson: Good morning Charles. Morning, Miss. Forsythe.

Miss. Forsythe: Morning. Oh, Mr. Henderson there’s a message for you her somewhere. Oh here it is. A Mr. Zane and Cannell called about half an hour ago. He said he must renegotiate or there’ll be no trial.

Henderson: Oh, uh. Thank you. (He takes the note and leaves the building. Hutch starts the car while Henderson gets in his and drives off. Hutch follows. They pursue him down a main road)

Starsky: Oh, we should have stuck with my car. If he starts to take off, we’ll never stick with him in this tub. I mean, you know what happens to us if this doesn’t work?

Hutch: It’ll work. It’ll work.

Starsky: Come on, come on. (They stop at a red light.) He’s getting too far ahead. We’ve got the bust the light. Come on.

Hutch; Right. (They bust the red light and get caught by a police car)

Patrolman: Will you look at that guy? I wonder what colour’s he doesn’t like besides red. Let’s get him. (They pursue. Hutch hears and sees the car)

Hutch: Starsky, I don’t barking believe it.

Starsky: Oh boy.

Hutch: Here, will you tell those yo-ho’s who we are. (Hands Starsky his badge)

Starsky: A lot of good that’s gonna do. (They stop the car at a convenient curb and get out. Starsky showing the badge) Hey!

Patrolman: Hold it! (They aim their guns)

Starsky: We’re cops. (To Hutch) Are you ready for this? (The patrolman checks the badge) Okay?

Patrolman: I’m sorry, Sergeant Hutchinson.

Starsky: Look, I’m Starsky, he’s Hutch. (They get back in the car and drive off)

Patrolman: Sorry

Starsky: We’re never gonna get him now. We lost him.

Hutch: It’s all right. I got him two blocks on the left. The Hotel.

(Henderson parks his car outside a hotel and gets out while Hutch’s car stop on the curb and Starsky gets out with a radio)

Hutch: I’ll take the back. Stay in touch.

(Henderson walks through the lobby and waits at the elevator, while Starsky pursues and hides behind a pillar. Meanwhile outside Hutch pulls the car into the alley behind the hotel.)

Hutch: (In to the radio) Ready at the back.

(Inside Starsky watches Henderson get into the elevator and goes up.)

Starsky: Elevator’s heading up. I’m taking the stairs.

(Out the back, Hutch climbs over his car and up the fire escape ladder)

Hutch: I got the fire escape.

(Starsky climbs the stairs while Hutch takes the fire escape. On the second floor, Starsky stops to watch the elevator go back)

Starsky: He’s on his way to three. (Continues climbing. Outside Hutch stops at a window and sees the elevator continue going up)

Hutch: He’s yours on four. On my way to five.

Starsky: I’m gone (Runs up the stairs. They continue on their own routes. Starsky reaches level four and sees the elevator continue up)

Starsky: He’s headed for the next floor. (He continues up the stairs. Hutch comes to a window and sees the elevator passing)

Hutch: Passing five. Looks like there’s only a couple more stories. (Starsky reaches the next floor)

Starsky: Remember I said it was a toilet?

Hutch: Yeah.

Starsky: Well, somebody up there’s flushing. (Runs to the next floor.)

Hutch: Past six. Seven’s the lucky number. (Starsky reaches the seventh floor)

Starsky: Seven, seven, come on, seven. Thank God. (He hides on the stairs as Henderson gets off and knocks on the door in front of him. Inside Zane and Cannell are packing. Cannell picks up his gun.)

Cannell: Who is it?

Henderson: Henderson, let me in. (They let him in) Making me come here was stupid. You two are dumb.

Zane: Look, Prissy, you told us to contract you through Fat Rolly and that’s what we did.

Henderson: Then who sent me the note.

Cannell: What note?

Starsky: He’s inside. Where are you?

Hutch: In position, Starsk.

(Starsky gets in position besides the door with his gun. He knocks on the door)

Starsky: Police! Open up!

(Inside Cannell grabs Henderson and pins him to the wall)

Cannell: You lousy, shyster creep! Get over there. (Zane goes for the window with his shot gun, but Hutch is waiting)

Hutch: Hold it! Police. (Zane fires, but misses)

Cannell: We can use him as a block.

Zane: You set?

Cannell: Set. (Zane fires at the door, making a hole, Starsky moves his position to the stairs. Zane opens the door and Cannell barrels out with Henderson in front)

Henderson: No wait, don’t fire.

(Cannell throws Henderson into Starsky and Zane shots him in the back causing them to fall down the stairs. Zane and Cannell take the elevator while Starsky retrieves his gun. He sees the elevator)

Starsky: They’re in the elevator heading down. Move. (Runs down the stairs. Hutch does the same on the fire escape. Starsky checks the elevator every floor he goes down. He reaches the lobby. The elevator continues) Pulling around. They’re heading for the garage.

Hutch: Gotcha.

(Hutch jumps off the stairs, landing ass first on the roof of his car leaving a dent. He drives the car down into the garage. He drives towards the elevator where Zane and Cannell are coming out and Zane fires, Hutch swerves the car and gets out running for cover while Zane takes position on top of the car and Cannell behind him. Starsky arrives.)

Starsky: Get up.

(There’s a shoot out between the four, ending when Hutch shoots Zane and Starsky shoots Cannell. Starsky handcuffs Cannell while Hutch checks if Zane is alive and takes his gun.)

The Gym: Day

(Hutch’s car drives into the alley behind the gym, where Frankie is sweeping up. The car stops.)

Starsky: Hey, Frankie, what’s happening?

Frankie: What happened to the car?

Starsky: Hey, Frankie, don’t criticize. Custom job like this takes hours. It ain’t cheep

Frankie: Neither is running a gym. Hey, Hutch? Here’s your bill (Hands Hutch his bill)

Hutch: Pay the man. (Fiddles with his damaged car)

Starsky: Not again.

Hutch: I owe you.

Starsky: I don’t even belong to this gym.

Hutch: Well, I’ll make it up to you, Starsk. I’ll take you to dinner.

Starsky: Can’t afford it. (Gets his money out) Besides, I can’t stand soybean steaks and wheat germ pies.

Frankie: Good for you. (Pays him the money)

Starsky: Hey, I know this great chili place. The chili is so hot it makes your ears smoke. You feel it going all the way down. That’s how you know it’s so good.

Hutch: Sounds terrific.

Starsky: Well, it’s on Broadway, it’s kinda hard to find, so you’re gonna have to follow me, dig?

Hutch: Yeah, I’ll follow you.

Starsky: Good. (Goes round the car) Hey, Hutch, you wouldn’t…

Hutch: No, I’ll follow you, Starsk. Trust me. I’ll follow you. (Hutch gets in his car)

Starsky: Hey, you’ll love it. (Gets into the Torino. Hutch tries to pound the roof back into shape. Starsky drives off first and Hutch follows until the Torino turns, Hutch goes straight on. The Torino drives back and follows) Hey, Hutch! Wait! Hey!

Transcripts main page

Home

Contact Sarah

Webmaster